Funny Status Messages

   YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID -Kids

   I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 8 years... Squatters built a meth lab in the barn

   Just remembered that it's Halloween and won't be getting any trick-or-treaters this year, which is all good as I might need my fast food condiments to help survive the Coronavirus.

   Had to go to the grocery store to buy some more supplies and couldn't help but notice how clean some people's hands were who smelt like they hadn't showered in weeks.

   The Coronavirus has me upset to the point where I've lost weight... 20 lbs total! I have no appetite whatsoever so this thing needs to go away. But not just yet. I want to lose another 30.

   Bernie Sanders is finally in 1st place...for the most missed votes in the 116th congress. (^_~)b

   I just booked a $10 flight... Got an email saying I’m the pilot tho.

   Since staying home I think I need a better way to end a phone conversation then saying "Hey let me go now, I gotta run"

   Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.

   Looks like I’m going to have to buy toilet paper. That brush next to the toilet hurts.

   The Irony of the old saying, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6 foot pole".

   Keeping anything under 100,000 deaths is always a good job.

   Hey Jude. I ran out of advice, so I'm just going to go nah nah nah nah for the next nine minutes.

   I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.

   Chances of me doing anything at work today are about hahahahahahahahahahaha%.

   I judge people based on their email address.

   I eat those silica gel packets because consumer electronics are not the boss of me.

   Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.

   Go ahead and hide out there now Waldo. Jerk.