Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are talking behind my back you are in a great position to kiss my a@s

   When girls or any women ask you "What?" In reply, it isnt cause they didnt hear you. Its because they giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said.

   Snookie is so small and orange she works part time as a highway traffic cone!

   "God has a sense of humor. Don't believe me?... go to Walmart and just look at people."

   I only date Calendars.

   I wish some people could just look at there own true colors of there character and see what an ugly picture they are painting with it.

   One skin,Two skin,Three skin,Fore skin.....wait a minute...........

   What do you call a vegetarian lesbian? A woman who REALLY hates meat!

   Ever see someone in a hurry and they do that last little mad dash to their final destination? How much time does that save.....2.3 seconds?

   There █████ █ ████ is ███ █ no █████ █ ████ problem █ ████ █████ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ██

   A Hickey from Kenicki is like a hallmark card...when you care enough to send the very best!! RIP JEFF CONWAY!!!

   Thanksgiving is a day when we pause to give thanks for the things we have.....MEMORIAL DAY is a day when we pause to give thanks to the people who fought for the things we have.

   The awkard moment where you say, "it's not me, it's you"....via text

   kill illuminati. they want my soul, my mind, and my body.

   Look... if you have both toilet paper and bath towels in your bathroom... I am going to assume you are giving me a choice.

   Chemically speaking... alcohol is a solution.

   I take context out of things.

   My dog can't seem to walk straight when we are out. He is gonna make look bad when I'm under the influence.

   I have to say... to lie about taking steroids as long as Lance Armstrong did sure takes a lot of ball.

   Look, baby, it's just not going to work between us: You're a sheep and I'm a border collie. I'm so sorry. I never meant to herd you.