Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?

   Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is kinda messed up.

   when I walk away it doesn't mean you win... it means I'm going to get backup

   Next time someone asks you who pissed in your cheerios. Tell them I did it.

   Overweight British hookers really know how to convert their pounds into dollars.

   I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate

   Whenever I have gum, I suddenly get a lot more friends.

   Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.

   Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a@s?

   I could pull it off but my liver is calling in sick in the morning

   ■Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?

   Ran into a fat guy with big sideburn chops. He looked like a cross between Chris Farley and Ron Jeremy.

   The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

   you can't say the following words without sounding like an Irishman swearing: WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED.

   Sometimes I need to recheck my facebook account to remember what I did this past weekend. 

   certain that the news companies are now just making stuff up to try and scare us because I've just seen the headline 'KILLER CUCUMBER CLAIMS 10 LIVES.'

   Uhh Sorry Mom & Dad, but I don't think washing behind my ears was the most important place to get cleaned..

   if alcohold is made from old fruit then I exceed my daily requirements by a long shot

   Why does Stevie Wonder love seeded hamburger rolls? Because of the jokes written on top.