Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friday's smell like vodka

   A woman has just looked through the window whilst I was playing with myself.

   Grammatically correct affirmations? Now, that is something about which I am talking.

   I'm not sure who was on the elevator before me but they left all of their cologne in here. All of it.

   95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."

   Men: If you want sex during "that time of the month," you will have to pull a few strings.

   thank you Blake Lively for taking nude pictures of yourself and having them leaked to the internet, Mila Kunis, please follow!

   I feel about as lucky as a dude that is attracted to "butch" lesbians...

   Oh nothing, just standing next to my computer browsing Facebook on my phone.

   ok, a little English pronunciation lesson, mostly because it drives me crazy... Coupon: [koo-pon].... straight from the dictionary... IT IS NOT QUE-pon!!!

   Dear Every Rapper Alive, The same word used in consecutive sentences is not a rhyme, it is the same word used in consecutive sentences... Please Lil Wayne and Drake, work on that... thanks, Dave :-)

   I think this year for Madden '12 they should add a feature for the "lock out". You can be owners and players arguing over millions and billions of dollars, charge hundreds of dollars for tickets, work about 5 months out of the year and never have to worry

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   Awkward Moment - realizing you've posted an Awkward moment status that you thought was funny, and no one else does.

   Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

   I guarantee you that the iPhone 5 will be easier to break

   Dear boys with no shirt in their profile picture, I like your phone. Sincerely, hunny you have no abs

   "I'm in!" - Flynn

   if a comedian is in a wheelchair, is it still stand up comedy? No, but it would still be wheelie funny.

   having people over for dinner. They asked what they could bring, I said dinner,