Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blanket on .. too hot. Blanket off .. too cold, one leg out? PERFECT!

   of course it was in the last place I looked....why would I keep looking in another place after I found it?????

   its always when your writing something important you always run out of sp

   Shaq maybe retiring, but his movies will live on forever (in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart).

   I have an appointment with a specialist to look into my memory problems... and apparently, it was yesterday.

   I can't wait till October for when Rapture the sequel comes out.

   Never thought it would happen but I actually got hungry watching 2 girls 1 cup

   If you have alzhiemers and get amnesia....Do you forget that can't you remember anything?

   what the Woman really mean Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

   If I ever host an orgy, first rule: cel phones off - unless you're making a porno with it.

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit.

   You know you're in the wrong part of town, when you start seeing pay phones...

   Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets.

   My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.

   I hope I never get Alzheimer's... I hate the thought of other people thinking that I should be remembering something that I'm not sure I would want to remember in the first place.

   When a woman says “What?” It's not because didn't hear you, she's just giving you a chance to change what you said!

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.