Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why am I able to walk for miles with no problem, but as soon as I look for my house keys, I start doing the pee-pee dance?

   instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"... laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   The sex is better when they don't belong to you.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, lets yahoo it"....Sincerely Google

   Teach me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.

   Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake

   Here is a episode for mythbusters....once you go black ,do you never go back?

   Anybody got a recepie for cicadas?

   I want a BANG. "Bright Attractive Non-Nagging Girl."

   I wonder how many of my friends are one night stand babies!

   I dont see how you can hate one night stands when you owe your existence to a one night stand yourself.

   My plan to discombobulate people with big words has failed egregiously.

   Without ME it's just AWESO..

   I̶'̶m̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶p̶i̶d̶!̶ I'm not with stupid anymore

   How would you even go about putting 99 bottles of beer on the wall in the first place?

   Jesus is just a guy who mows my lawn

   young enough to still get into trouble but old enough to still know better.

   Guy: if I could change the alphabet, I would put you and I together. :) Girl: oh there's no need to do that, N and O are already together...

   In dog beer I've only had one

   i am in no shape to exercise