Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has come to the conclusion that FB is just like spending time with a woman. As soon as you finally figure her out, she changes.

   my x says cell ph cause brain cancer,,Another excuse not to talk to me..!!!

   Love her, Respect her, Surprise her, Never lie, Care about her, Text her first, Keep her happy, and make her feel beautiful

   I don't often use violence on my coworkers. But when I do, I prefer the pimp slap. Stay frosty my friends.

   I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now

   Life is a puzzle. Stop trying to place people where they don't fit.

   A tongue may have no bones, but it can break hearts

   Whenever you feel a warm breeze brush against you, that's the kiss I blew to you.

   I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..they're where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE

   The White House was saddened by the passing of Dr. Jack Kevorkian, whom it planned to name its first chairman of the ObamaCare Death Panel.

   Whenever I ride the the bus I always sit with my eyes closed. I hate seeing pregnant, crippled & old women having to stand.

   Jack Kevorkian once said, "The money is okay, but the work is murder."

   Can pregnant people use the car pool lane?

   Glad to hear Dr. Jack Kevorkian died doing what he loved... dying.

   How do I stay looking so slim?.... well, once a week I do a 40 hour famine....it's for a good cause.... you should sponsor me....

   dont force me to show my attitude...trust me m really good at it

   RIP Jack Kevorkian dead at 83. Final stats: 0 points, 0 rebounds, and 130 assists.

   Exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!

   I've noticed that my usage of profanity increases when I play pacman

   did NOT wake up this morning feeling like P. Diddy. :-(