Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in a arguement yelling is the next best thing to being right

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called everybody. They meet at the bar.

   nice guys finish last, and bring you breakfast in bed.

   available for rebound sex.

   Looking for a new job. One that I can sit at a long table, take off my glasses, and say "If your calculations are correct...my God have mercy on our souls" Pay negotiable

   I suffer from schizophrenia. (I really don't.) Do. (Don't.) Do. (Don't!) Do! (Shut up!) NO, YOU SHUT UP! (Poo Poo head) THATS IT! (what?) I hate you. (i know)

   #ThoughtsWhileLosingVirginity.........."So this is what all the hype is about huh"

   If there was some kind of memory disease, I would be on stage 10

   Here is a episode for mythbusters------do fat chicks really give better head

   I saw on the television today that Huggies diaper's have come out with a new Levi design.What's next, bib-overall depend's for grandpa?....

   Cheese Doritos are like cheese covered razors if you chew a moth full to fast

   I'm sad my kids have left to Summer Camp for 2 weeks. I no longer have an excuse to watch iCarly while they're gone...

   My mom says you are what you eat. That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently. ;)

   I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.

   My day is not complete until I get someone to shake their head.

   My girlfriend loves it when I talk dirty to her during sex. I'm pissed off at her though, so tonight when we make love I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is.

   I just got diagnosed with a very rare disease. "The more I get older, the sexier and better looking I become". Don't worry, it's not contagious. There's no cure for it and it just gets worst everyday...

   If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.

   When society collapses, who do I talk to about being killed last?

   What if we CAN breathe in space and they just don't want us to escape?