Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Damit.... I woke up with a pulse. I supose this means I should get dressed now....

   it's never to early in life to do anything...except get out of bed!

   Everyone want to be your sunshine, but not me, I want to be your Moon so I can light up your darkest moments, when your sun is not around.!!!

   NO ONE make any sudden moves,...the sun is out and I dont want you to scare it away.!!!

   .If you have someone great in your life hold on to them and pull them close and keep them tight to you,if not someone else will.

   Attack life,... it's gonna kill you anyway.!!!

   NO....Anthony Weiner did not tweet a pic of his weiner....he forward one of Clinton's from Monica's view!!

   can't understand why we call asteroids such a name when they are in the hemisphere, and hemroids so when they're on the ass!

   Anthony Weiner: I shouldn't tweet this pic. I'm married. Anthony's weiner: C'mon, do it. Who's gonna know.....

   That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked

   Dear neighbors, If you hear a lot of screaming and cussing please do not worry and/or call the police. I am cleaning out my garage and have Arachnophobia

   On-Star has made it so much more difficult for me to take my time when I'm robbing accident victims....:-)

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   Everyone is fighting their own battle, to be free from their past, to live in their present and to create their future

   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?"

   You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?"