Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

   I just came up with a new reality show. It's called "Pushing the Kardashians Into Oncoming Traffic." One episode is all you'll need....

   "Want half of my sandwich?"- Jeffery Dahmer

   Question of the day: If cannibals argue with each other, is it considered a food fight?

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.

   learned yesterday to never EVER play "Simon Says" with my 5-yr-old. "Simon Says stick your finger in your butt." What do you do then? Refuse and thus forfeit? Or comply and be humiliated? Either way, he wins.

   You know what they say about a man and his feet. And that's why I don't find my fear of being raped by a clown irrational.

   I like how Facebook tells me I found these friends using their friend finder. um no I found these friends before I had hair on my balls back when I could have been rich had I thought of Facebook

   was excited this morning when I received an email with a subject line of "Beaver" and an attached pic. My excitement was crushed when I opened it only to discover it was a picture of an actual beaver.

   Sometimes it's hard to know know what to say to cheer someone up who's going through a rough patch in their life. Turns out letting them stare at my cleavage is enough.

   As a woman, I will always feel judged when buying a cucumber.

   Why is a strike in bowling a good thing, but a strike in baseball is bad? I guess sports really do mirror real life...how you play the game all depends on the size of your balls.

   Whenever I see the phrase "unforeseen circumstances", my brain ALWAYS reads "unforeskinned circumcision" instead. Just for that split second. I don't know why, it just does.

   : Imagine the great things in a person's character you would miss out on if you limited yourself to a list of things you are looking for in a person.

   Twitter makes me love people I've never met and Facebook makes me hate people I know in real life.

   There's a new way to transfer funds that's even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

   In 50 years, a bunch of 80 year-olds will know all the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.

   If you don't like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!

   saw a roach crawling at home while eating, and didnt think anything of it. Saw a dead roach in the restroom at O'Charleys and raised hell!!!!

   Justin Beiber on the CMT's is like Rosa Parks at a Klan rally!!