Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found out this Beanie Baby collection was not a great investment.

   Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.

   c'mon people, gays have a right to be as unhappy as the rest of us... incidentally NYs divorce rate is about to go up...

   Why don't people scream when they get stabbed in movies?

   We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

   If you've never seen an elephant ski you've never been on acid..........

   For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.

   This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.

   And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   Chicken Pot Pie my 3 favorite things!

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

   I don't always delete people from facebook, but when I do, I prefer they constantly try to re-friend me and poke me. Stay desperate my ex-friends

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   I think facebook must put an option that requires a person to get permission first before tagging anyone in pics and notes..

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea...if you add commas.

   When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.