Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a sports car: It goes too fast, and it costs too much.

   Why are porn DVDs 8 hours long? I was done before the opening credits.

   I have 14 friends that liked Lil Wayne. I should delete you all.

   WAIT! Justine Bieber has a perfume out for woman called "Someday"? What? Someday he'll be one of them?

   I think cartoon characters should age every season, I wouldn't mind if alot of them were killed off due to old age.

   If the g-string is any indicator, the g-spot is somewhere near the anus.

   : You're the reason why God invented the middle finger.

   Ok, give the Southwest Airlines pilot a break....at least he woke up the air traffic controllers!

   I have a doctor's note to excuse the rotten stench I leave in people's bathrooms.

   I only speak to telemarketers when they refer to me as 'Your Highness' and if they keep taking off a piece of clothing every 30 seconds.

   My car smells like if you were somehow able to get inside a potato.

   Rain, and gloom every day......like Forks, but no hot vampires

   So if Justin Bieber has his own cologne...I def think its about time I came up with one of my own..Not sure what too call it tho..They say you should name it after things you like..So I am really leaning toward naming it "Ode to BoobiesVajayjayNinjaFight"

   I think there is something fishy about the fact that you can't access your cell phone battery anymore

   Before You go out with a widow, you must first ask her what killed the husband.

   I got so drunk last night I though a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.

   I saw a sign on the door of a Wal-Mart that said “It is illegal to set off fireworks inside the building.” I really wish I had been there on the day they decided it was necessary to post that.

   Women....... Can't live with them, can't get them to dress up in a Nazi uniform and spank you with a Bible.

   Definition of a guy who knows nothing about women: A guy who thinks PMS is that american tv channel that shows like Nova and Antiques Roadshow come on.

   What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.