Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama's speech tonight: Me me me me I I I I me I me I me me me I my my me me I I my me. Oh, and I........

   My car goes from 0 to 60 in five minutes.

   A lady said her water broke. I offered her my unopened bottle of Aquafina but she kept shouting. She shouted so much an ambulance came.

   So what you're saying is "sexist" isn't like "perfectionist" or "saxophonist" and I should take it off the resume.

   Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don't cut it.

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be "Left rS. 10million in the..."

   If strippers are now called exotic dancers... Then all drug dealers should be referred to as exotic pharmacists

   If you show up at my house without calling first, you'd better be wearing a uniform and delivering the mail.

   Contrary to popular belief, women really dress to impress other women.

   Dance like the photo isn't being tagged, love like you've never been unfriended, and tweet like nobody is following....

   Fellas, There is a direct correlation between the size of the mega-spoiler on your car and the unlikelihood of your getting laid.

   I bought a latte yet me pushing 5 of these little round tables together to make a daybed seems to be a big fugging problem at this Starbucks.

   No man ever talked a woman into sex. 99% of the time, a woman knows she is going to have sex when she walks out the door. Men can only talk themselves out of it.

   So I have been thinking about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little baby spoons and then I got to wondering...what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops?

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought "You know, I bet we could make some kind of hot drink out of these things!", I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH! :)

   What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

   [seen above a urinal] Your child's future is in your hands.

   I've had to cancel my impotence clinic appointment. Something's come up.

   Friends: Just because I ask you to go somewhere or do something doesn't mean I'm offering to pay your share of it.