Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   Chicken Pot Pie my 3 favorite things!

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

   I don't always delete people from facebook, but when I do, I prefer they constantly try to re-friend me and poke me. Stay desperate my ex-friends

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   I think facebook must put an option that requires a person to get permission first before tagging anyone in pics and notes..

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea...if you add commas.

   When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.

   Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

   There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?

   I'm going to change my name on facebook to 'NOBODY' so that anytime I see any boring status I will 'LIKE' it. It'll say 'NOBODY LIKES THIS'

   I guess I'll pick up my dog's poop this time since you're having a yardsale and all.

   the best sort of perfection in life, funnily enough, comes in the form of imperfection!

   Okay, technology is getting out of hand for me. I was looking through a pair binochulars this morning and when I finished I looked for the button to turn them off.

   If you say your grandpa is looking down at you and smiling I'm just going to assume you also have one of those mean drunken roof grandpas.