Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awesome moment when you notce you are much better looking than the idiot she is currently with. :0)

   things I learned from frank sinatra 1. a lady never leaves her escort and 2. a lady doesn't wander all over the room and blow on some other guys dice.

   Now Charlie Sheen says he used steroids while filming "Major Leagues". So what now, do we take championship away from Cleveland? Do we put an asterisk next to the movie title? Should we remove all DVD's from the shelves and burn them?? Damn you Sheen!!

   If you are that a$$hole that honks the second the light turns green , I'm the sumb1tch that will sit there and update my Facebook.

   Benefits of eating dinner while the TV is off: 1. Hearing everyone chew. 2 Hearing the repressed burps, 3, Hearing the "silent" burps.

   So, if your wife is looking at job postings and says "Look honey, this one says I have exactly what they are looking for" and you reply "What, big boobs?". That is NOT the right answer...

   Little known fact… NASA put a man on the moon with less computer memory than you use when taking a picture on your iPhone.

   You need to have an open mind, but not so open that your common sense falls out.

   Maybe you should eat that makeup, so you can be damn pretty on the inside.

   My Life These Days is Very Simple...Eat, Sleep, Change Facebook Status...Never Better...

   ... And if you're taking your girlfriend out tonight, You better park the car well out of sight... Cause if they catch you in the back seat Trying to pick her locks, They're gonna send you back to mother In a cardboard box... You better run..."

   Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of !!!

   A new Psychology study reveals that 1 out of every 100 black midgets don't know what Willis is talking about!!

   I'm not saying your kid is ugly.... I'm just saying you don't have to worry about pedophiles!!!

   I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell "GOT IT" then run away!!!

   left a few lines of baby powder on my co-worker's desk. came back and there was a dollar bill rolled up.

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea... if you add commas.

   M.C. Hammer should be a security guard at an art museum.

   If you turn down the car radio, hang up the cell phone and remove you head from your ass you might just notice the emergence vehicle with it's emergency lights flashing and siren blaring trying to get a destination that's more important than yours.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.