Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sincerely hope you get stung by a jelly fish so I can finally pee on you without having to explain myself to the authorities.

   Things I'm angry about in 2011: 1) No hoverboards.

   The difference between "INVOLVED" & "COMMITTED" is like an Egg & Bacon Breakfast, the chicken was INVOLVED and the pig was COMMITTED.

   I delete enough status updates to know that I should never get a tattoo...

   Whenever my girlfriend is mad at one of our friends, she deletes them from FB but makes sure I stay friends so she can see what they're saying.

   Life is hell when you're sober.

   When men lie, it's to avoid an argument. When women lie, it's to ruin lives.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, and the middle ones for you.

   Psychology experiment: Pull you head back, now pretend to shake salt from an imaginary salt shaker in your mouth, you'll taste salt!

   I hate running out of deodorant......with 1 armpit left to go.. Now I have Sure on the left and Not so Sure on the right.

   Random thought: I wonder if couches at nudist colonies smell like ass?

   Now thinking that I had the 455.00 back that I spent on fireworks....

   Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN, I'm hungry

   There should be realtionship status that says,"I don`t even know what`s going on"

   I hate running out of deodorant......with 1 armpit left to go

   You wanna know the definition of deductive reasoning? I've deduced that the fatter the chick, the more boring the facebook page.

   She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.

   People are so predictable..I bet you're even reading this status right now.

   We could learn from crayons. Some are sharp, some dull, some pretty, some have weird names, and all are different colours... but they all live in the same box.

   Unwritten Facebook rule #5 : If that person isn't in the photo, don't tag them.