Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not your Father but I can be your friend ( Heavy breathing ) - Step-dad Darth Vader

   just saw George Washington advertised for deadliest warriors I think they're running out of warriors

   procrastination personified.

   At some point, my grandmother stopped admiring how big I was getting.

   I always use the self-checkout lane to avoid being embarrassed when my card is declined.

   whenever i'm bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in front of mirror in bathrooms and showing on people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   When I really want a chick to know I'm ballin', I get her something from the vending machine and ignore the change

   Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself that a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water-park.

   Am I the only one that thinks it's creepy for women to call their men "Daddy"?

   Hated by many, wanted by plenty, disliked by some, confronted by none! If you don't like just REMEMBER it's mind over matter! I don't Mind and you don't matter!

   Won a time machine on eBay. Disappointed when I received a damn clock.

   If you think what I just said was offensive, you don't want to hear the things that I stopped myself from saying.

   Facebook is daycare for adults.

   Keep looking my way, My head is held high! You wanna bring me down? I dare you to try!

   waking up from a great dream only to fall back asleep and continue that same dream

   Just when you finally get to that moment you've been waiting for all your life, somebody yells "Time's up!"

   there is no elevator to success! You have to take the stairs, one step at a time.

   Casey Anthony is still a MILF.. The 'M' just stands for Murderer.

   You know how you're in a rush to meet someone or be somewhere at a certain time and then they call you to find out where you are, you're so far away you lie and tell them you're somewhere like 10 min ahead of you