Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If people winked and "laughed out loud" in real life half as much as they did when they were texting the world would be a very creepy place ;) lol

   I'd like to drink less alcohol but I don't want to murder my family with a hammer.

   In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.

   Should I be more grossed out that I found my friends vibrator in her kitchen or by the amount of cat hair that was on it?

   I suck at making bucket lists. Mine just says "Dog milk".

   My watch died at 11:30pm last night... It was the most incredible night of my life. At 3:00am I was still thinking it was 11:30. I was like "OMG the night still so young!!!!!" And kept on drinking... Yeah, I got home at 11:30pm, good girl!

   Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.

   Coffee and cigarettes, best thing in the world.

   Going to drink straight from the carton because I'm a badass!

   I hate the feel of wrinkly hands in the bath. Grandad's pretty persistent though.

   If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew at Edwards Air Force Base to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands

   Boob is the perfect word cux it shows you what it means. Top view -> B ... Front view -> oo ... Side view -> b.

   When I woke up this morning I half expected to find a tiger in the bathroom and a baby in the closet...

   Don't wait for the one you can live with, be with the one you can't live without.

   you may be "special" but you are not uniquie.

   Whenever I see a fat kid running, the slogan 'America Runs On Dunkin' comes to mind.

   Dear "OK", you should be arrested for killing conversations.

   Sometimes those people you think are acting dumb are in fact not acting at all.

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing

   I stepped into the Wal-Mart bathroom and it smelled like Casey Anthony's trunk in there...