Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's an idea, instead of pointing out the faults of others, look in the mirror, find your own faults and start correcting them. That ought to keep you busy for a while you judgmental and hypocritical b*stard.

   Did you know that if you hit someone in the rear that you are at automatic fault? If you honk your horn .01 seconds after the light turns green, then I hope you can back up faster than I can.

   I don't believe I had the pleasure of meeting you, I mean I got your friend request, and accepted, greeted you, never heard from you! On the other hand, I do believe I'll have the pleasure of deleting you, that is certain.

   What's the point of the Psychic Hotline if they won't tell me where my other shoe is?!?

   I just read that the Actor who plays Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter said he is going to become a rapper! .... can we all say Expecto Disapointmento!

   Either I'm really drunk or you're really hot. The choice is yours.

   I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said, "Let's go get a bucket of parrot."

   When I sense that some one is talking down to me I like to see just how dumb I can act.

   I guess Amish people have to just yell out their status updates... so sad.

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   I can see movies at any time, I'd rather have BOOZE on demand...

   Do you know how much more gas mileage my car would get if it didn't have to haul my fat ass around?

   Did Nostradamus get it wrong with his predictions and predict the end of the News of the World?

   I'm not talented enough to type and pick my nose at the same time.

   Tattoos are bumper stickers for the soul.

   The stuff I never tell anyone is so much more awesome than the stuff I tell everyone.

   If I was the Director of NASA, I would make all of the ground crew dress up as Apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands just to screw with them....now that would make a good movie...

   Don't piss me off and then tell me to calm down. That's just like stabbing someone and then asking them not to bleed.

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   Regular a** (_!_) fat a** (__!__) tight a** (!) dumba** (_?_)