Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a real shot of becoming famous and getting my own episode on Hoarders, But then my Wife cleaned up after me.

   You dont have to be a mule to be an ass

   What do you call an Indian man that travels a lot?...........Bindair Dundat

   I feel bad for people who didn't party in college and got D's... what a waste.

   You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!

   Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.

   Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.

   I eat alot of king sized candy bars. Not because I like alot of candy, but because I'm of a royalty.

   who else is mad that it's 2011 and we still don't have hover boards and flying cars?

   thinking...almost 70 years ago the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. Come this Sunday the US Women's soccer team is going to torpedo Japan!

   "Women are like cell phones, they love to be held, they love to be talked to, but if you push the wrong button, you'll be disconnected,"!

   Since this is the last time for the space shuttle, I think we should all dress up as extras from Planet of the Apes when they land

   Why didn't Tigger have any friends?....Becaue he played with Pooh....

   What happened to the good old days when words never hurt people

   - When no one believes you even if everything you say is the truth, hurt a little, cry a little and let the choice be theirs.

   : If you can't tolerate me at my Worst, then you sure do not deserve me at my Best!!!

   I hate when I am all alone in the house then things like soda cans in the trash decide to pop and make noises!

   I wonder what quality the wife of the inventor of Vagisil possessed that made him want to create such a thing

   I'm seriously as bored as a vegetarian gay guy at hooters!

   If I had a nickel for every time a girl said, “I'm Over him, I deleted his number & deleted him off Facebook” & then their back together the next day.