Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw Harry Potter at midnight last night. LOL JK, I have a life.

   to everyone who sends me request in Farmvillie I'm gonna send you a tree for ur farm so you can hang yourself!!

   It has been revealed that Ryan Giggs of Manchester United has been slammin' his brothers wife for 8 years! damn! Talk about brotherly love.

   ORGANISM.. you read that wrong the first time didn't you...

   going to Biker Night at The Blue Oyster Bar.

   You can PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DEAL WITH IT only so many times. Then the elastic breaks... and you really show your butt.

   actively hunting down the Killer of his Ex-Girlfriend for the last Few Years, and it's harder than Initially Thought: Nobody Wants to Do It!! :-/

   If you didn't have all this money, I'd still love you..and miss you very much.

   I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

   Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing different colored lipstick, I am getting a damn rainbow around my d*ck.

   Wedding Rings - the world's smallest handcuffs.

   To everyone on Facebook that plays Farmville or Cityville and sends me requests every hour of the day: Go hang yourselves.

   I never really understood why people drive around the parking lot looking for a spot right near the door, only to get out and walk around the mall for 5 hours...

   I just made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.

   My girl and I are like oil and vinegar. We have to shake things up to make it work.

   If you cant make someone happy, then stand aside and let them be with someone who can.

   Marriage is not a word, its a sentence, a life sentence.

   I'm all for getting stuff done, but forgetting lunch is where I draw the line.

   I can't believe this is the last Harry Potter movie. It's the end of an era. Who knows, maybe someone will turn it into a book.

   Took a laxative and drank a Red Bull. Sitting on the toilet waiting for launch!