Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonder if I have enough things in my kitchen junk draw to build a rocket ship to get me off this rock?

   I hope he is right about sunlight fighting off COVID. I've had sunshine coming out of my butt for years.

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.

   Remember when eating tide pods was considered crazy

   In a world full of coronavirus I wanna be your sanitizer

   Running out of ideas for entertainment. Thinking about asking the neighborhood to gather in the street 6' apart and do the Hokey Pokey. After all, that is what it's all about.

   Toxic people be like “Enjoy your day” after they just ruined it

   Sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty for the things they did to you.

   If your getting together with your 10 piece band to make a "Social Distancing Video" I think you've missed the point of social distancing.

   In a world full of coronavirus, I wanna be your sanitizer

   Think I'm starting to lose a little weight while one a new diet plan thats really working for me that's called the "Eat less so I don't have to go to the supermarket as often" diet plan.

   What you need to ask yourself is… Do you really like pancakes and waffles? Or are they just a syrup delivery vehicle?

   Now would be an Ideal time for Netflix to release Sheldon Cooper presents Sheldon Cooper's "Fun With Flags"

   You're traveling thru another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of dough, ricotta and mozzarella. Your next stop, the Twilight Calzone.

   Ladies, even in social distancing, men exaggerate. They'll claim it's six feet, but it's really only three.

   I married my wife for her good looks but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   Men try role reversal in bed, and you have a headache for once.

   Don't kid your self would be a good name for a comdom.

   "Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot