Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drunk is... Fumbling in the dark with a condom wrapper, only to discover you've been trying to open a packet of McDonald's ketchup for the last 15 minutes.

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting.

   We used a blow up doll for a raft one time. You should have seen the looks on the parents faces. It was awesome. Giddyup!

   What are the three fastest forms of communication? Television, telephone, tellawoman.

   How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with " a man once told me"

   All the memories of my ex fall under the "What was I thinking!!" catagory... just like the night I chased tequilla with vodka!

   If you're going to do something stupid and you know it's stupid, make sure you say "fu*k it" beforehand. It's like the thumbs up.

   ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   The heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA Finals...

   Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.

   Beautiful people and ugly people basically look the same by 80. So hang in there ugly people!

   Words. They can arouse. They can make you laugh, and make you cry. But if you find the one who can heal you with words, never let them go.

   Heard Rupert Murdoch was deeply touched by all the messages left on Amy Winehouse's voicemail.

   Anyone want to lend me $500.00 until Thursday June 20th, 2047 ?

   BlackBerry laid off 11% of its workers. You can tell its bad cuz the CEO's announcement ended w/ the line "Sent from my iPhone."

   I find humor in everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at

   Your phone has more computing power now then all of NASA had in 1969. They launched a man into space, we launched angry birds into pigs.

   no need to google, my wife know everything :P

   Say "eye" then spell "map" and then say "ness". :P

   Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity, don't screw the opportunity.