Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   relationship without trust is like a car without gas. you can stay in it as long as you want but it won't go anywhere

   apparently people dont like it when I tell the truth.... well honestly IDGAF!! :)

   if they started putting missing childrens pis on beer cans instead of milk cartons, they'd be found within 15 mins..

   I just want to see one serial killer yell "you're on Scare Tactics!" then finish the job!

   Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   something about a "BOEhner reBUTTal" just doesn't sound right.

   The NFL lockout is over!! Great timing, since women's soccer is now over. I can never decide which to watch!

   I went to the store today to buy a bag of air. To my surprise there were a couple doritos in it.

   thinking..​.throughou​t history, there have been places where great and creative minds have gathered to become greater...​it is more than likely that facebook is not one of those places....

   Attention to all the mourners outside Amy Whinehouse's house, please form a line......its what she would've wanted.

   Amy Winehouse dead at 27?!? Wow! If only there had been warning signs...

   men think about sex every 7 seconds, which is the exact reason I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds...So it doesn't get weird

   To-Do List : Nothing[✓]

   I'm on hold now for 38 minutes... But that's ok.... I'm very important to them...and the best part is they don't get tired of admitting it over and over and over again.

   If ur the type of guy who is embarrassed to pick up tampons for ur girlfriend, well live through just one "I'm late" false alarm buddy & the next time you will be skipping down the grocery aisle waving them over your head and shouting, "I've got tampons!"

   "I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"

   A lesson I learned in the hospital... when you push the help call button you might as well pull out a book. But when you masturbate while forgetting you're attached to a heart monitor, it sets off alarms in the nurses station and they show up within secon

   Oh my god!! What is that enormous red gasious ball of fire in the sky that's making everyone take their clothes off???!?!?

   Well, the NFL players have officially decided that I will not be spending Sundays with my family this Fall...

   Stop telling me how to do my job! I don't go down to your work and knock the d!ck out your mouth, do I?