Funny Status Messages

   When I was a kid we were so poor I had dandruff flakes for breakfast.

   It's a beautiful (alluring, dazzling, gorgeous, magnificent, pulchritudinous, radiant, resplendent, splendid, stunning) day in the neighborhood. - Mr. Roget's Thesaurus

   19 people died in Chicago this week from Covid-related gunshot wounds. They will be voting by mail.

   I prefer to take my quarantine recommendations from scientists, not the guy with 3 teeth and a beer-stained wife beater.

   Love when I take the time to type out a long text message to a friend and they reply with "K"

   . Looks like the FNC reporters drank some Folgers and finally woke up.

   I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

   I think it's hilarious that Gary Numan is older than Gary Oldman.

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain !!!👿 Wife: Well aren't you gonna say something ? Me : Not my turn to use the brain.😜

   I can't wait to back to my favorite bar and say "I'll take a Corona. Hold the Virus."

   It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. #GeorgeCarlin

   For one who thinks they're never wrong. I bet his school teachers found him to be a "real pleasure" to have him as one of their students.

   Volkswagen..Das auto is a piece of crap

   If it has yellow and black stripes, I run the other way, fast!

   Looking at people posts I think facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “What’s your problem today!?”

   Coworker: Good morning! Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

   A gross miscalculation is 144 times worse than a regular miscalculation.

   Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽

   Ah memory impairment...the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle

   Women spend their whole lives thinking they are fat when they are perfect. Men spend their lives thinking they are perfect even when they are Fat !