Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I'm almost out.

   When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time.

   I walked in on my boyfriend watching porn, later he walked in on me watching Glee. I don't know who was more embarrassed.

   I find a bit of sick pleasure in holding the door for people that are still far away to force them into an awkward run

   All I got to say is "Sisters before misters."

   To hear many religious nuts talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.

   Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

   Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

   The wagon of love breaks down under the weight of baggage from the past.

   Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next ? Marriage without sex?

   The sincerest form of flattery is a steamroller

   To all those that like to take pics in their bathroom mirrors, clean up the bathroom first!

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"

   "Hey there, little fella!" -First words said by every guy finishing liposuction surgery.

   Now days its Interesting how all Bar Debates end up on Google without a Fight

   Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?

   USA - "Dad can I borrow a few trillion dollars?" England - "...Ask your mother" China - "Hell no I'm not giving you any money!! You'll just let your government friends waste it all on gambling.

   I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.

   Its been 8 minutes since anyone has posted anything new... What r you b*tches planning and why wasnt I invited...

   I'm going to sign my gf up for Hoarders, she must have been saving her emotional and mental bullsh!t until we got together