Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just thinking about how rediculously good looking I am.

   When the Beatles said they were "bigger than Jesus" they were right. 'Cause people were way shorter back then in Jesus times

   All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan

   still a free agent mulling over my options. I will however continue to entertain decent offers.

   Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if we were all of the same race!

   gets more laughs out of his farts compared to certain things written here!

   Note to U.S. Politicians: You can't borrow yourself out of debt, no one can. It's like you're trying to drink yourself sober.

   My attention has no span.

   Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.

   They say you're only as old as you feel, so I must be kinda-drunk-and-a-little-hungry years old.

   Watching the x games, live on the toilet on espn, on my iphone... The future is here ppl

   Say "no" to drugs. If drugs are talking to you, you've already had too many.

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.

   I can't believe Charmin Bathroom Tissue. I shared with them a great marketing slogan, and they rejected it: "Just like the Starship Enterprise, Charmin circles Uranus in search of Klingons."

   Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call kid? Elmo??

   If Rap music ever takes off in North Korea, I'll bet there's gonna be a big scramble for the name "Run DMZ".

   Someone said that I need to look at the world from a woman's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.

   Some women are wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

   Based on recent observation, I honestly believe that (insert state name) is a breeding ground for Land Manatees. :-/

   the only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath.