Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm only speeding because I really have to poop.

   The only words missing from the bible are once upon a time and happily ever after.

   Dont lie, this smiley pisses you off (-:

   Facebook's kinda like a prison. Sitting all alone in a room, writing on a wall, and getting poked by strangers all the time.

   I wouldn't say that she is a hoe, just that she makes hoe decisions

   I like to meet the parents drunk so they don't get the wrong idea of what kind of guy I am.

   Say this fast- { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it

   Just so you know, if I were in shark infested water I would be ALL the way on the boat before removing my regulator and talking to the camera.

   I want some of that "fairy tail" everyone's talking about!!

   Love is not about how much you say "I love you", but how much you can prove that it's true.

   You say you hate him but you constantly think of him, re-read his messages & check his FB profile.

   I'm not really that worried about August 2nd.....I still got all my supplies that I stockpiled way back for the Y2K scare...I'm all set...if anyone needs any MRE's lemme know ;-)

   ‎"Umm...isn't it on the back of the car?"-another thing NOT to say when a cop asks to see your license.

   If two past lovers remain friends, it`s either someone is still in love, or someone is still hoping for a second chance.

   had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all.

   would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse on 1 week of sobriety!!!

   If the government fails to raise the debt ceiling and stops paying their bills, I will stop paying mine, fair is fair

   You'll never guess what came in my mail todday. The mailman did :(

   Man with one foot on 'yesterday' and one foot on 'tomorrow' will end up pissing on 'today'.

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have died so damn quickly!