Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new study shows colon cleansing may have adverse side effects, but I have a feeling they pulled that finding out of their ass.

   Why is it when you get chineses takeout they give you 147 packs of duck sauce but you damn near gotta beg for 3 soy sauce packs......80% of your menu needs soy sauce..even the duck platter

   How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

   It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a b!tch.

   there a national do-not-call list for friends and family yet?

   Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

   I must say you really have an open mind. And a mouth to match

   I only "chase" women from the couch to the bedroom.

   "When I was your age, I lost my tooth. Not my virginty"

   Newly Married Husband Saved His Wife's Number On Cell As, "MY LIFE"... After 1 Year: "MY WIFE" After 5 Years: "HOME" After 10 Years: "HITLER" & ...After 25TH Anniversary: "Wrong Number"...:D

   Both Tiffany AND Debbie Gibson on The View. I suddenly have the urge to visit a Bachrach and Spencer's Gifts.

   Sometimes, when I am bored I like to recreate "Hungry Hungry Hippos" by going to Weight Watchers and rolling meatballs across the floor.

   hates it when I post something here that I read on someone elses facebook page only to find out that they read this stuff too!!!

   I just made a milkshake and now all the boys are in my yard..

   If you unfriend me or block me on Facebook, that means you would probably just turn your nose up in real life...you're actually doing me a favor!!

   why don't they just make service contracts that expire the day before you need them

   i see dead people...but only when squinting

   there are two types of people in the world; Those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money

   You can have hundreds and hundreds of friends on Facebook, but that won't make you stop staying "WTF?" when that number goes down by 1....

   If you ever see me in person, don't poke me. In real life I loathe when folks do that. Unless you give me the numbers and expiration date first on your card and you show me 2 ID's.