Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't even want sex out of the deal. I just wanted a nice sandwich.

   I've just discovered that I'm neither a lover nor a fighter...I'm an eater.

   Would it kill you to just get this right for once? There, Their, They're - There is a place, Their is something that belongs to them, They're is short for They Are

   Banana peel. Coffee grains. Pizza crust. Beer bottles. Empty cans. Paper plates. Bill envelopes. Don't mind me everyone. I'm just talking trash...

   My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...

   She waited at the photo counter, yearning in her eyes, as she told herself, "someday my prints will come."

   My wife is leaving me because she says I always make stupid comparisons. I feel like a balloon in a glove box..

   The worst place to be in the world is that place where you are not exactly sure of where you stand in someone's life and what you mean to them.

   Girls here's an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.

   A new study shows colon cleansing may have adverse side effects, but I have a feeling they pulled that finding out of their ass.

   Why is it when you get chineses takeout they give you 147 packs of duck sauce but you damn near gotta beg for 3 soy sauce packs......80% of your menu needs soy sauce..even the duck platter

   How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

   It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a b!tch.

   there a national do-not-call list for friends and family yet?

   Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

   I must say you really have an open mind. And a mouth to match

   I only "chase" women from the couch to the bedroom.

   "When I was your age, I lost my tooth. Not my virginty"

   Newly Married Husband Saved His Wife's Number On Cell As, "MY LIFE"... After 1 Year: "MY WIFE" After 5 Years: "HOME" After 10 Years: "HITLER" & ...After 25TH Anniversary: "Wrong Number"...:D

   Both Tiffany AND Debbie Gibson on The View. I suddenly have the urge to visit a Bachrach and Spencer's Gifts.