Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hie! do you want to dance? Ok, go and dance while I talk to your cute friend here.

   I hate it when I keep my swag on all day and overswagulate.

   there wasn't even Cowboys back in the Alien times.

   Wanna make your girl scream when ya have sex fella's?? Call her and tell her where ur at!!

   Some friends I would trust with my life, others I wouldn't trust with my drink and the rest I would be mad to trust with my girlfriend.

   Lawyer to Mickey: Sorry Mickey I can't divorce you from Minnie because she has big teeth.......Mickey to Lawyer: Sir, That's not what I meant when I said she was f*cking Goofy!!

   I hate it when I'm daydreaming and some retard waves his hand in my face.

   Every time we say, "Let's pull an all-nighter!" Every time we fall asleep.

   There are 5 things in life you cannot recover: A stone...after it's thrown. A word...after it is said. An occasion...after it's missed. The time...after it's gone. A person...after they die. Life is short. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly.

   CASE OF THE EX: I laugh at my mistakes, so please excuse me while I laugh in your face.

   your fat because you have a slow metabolism!!! yeah right!!! A slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!

   When I kiss you without uttering a single word, I am speaking to your soul.

   I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.

   I know I'm weird. I accept that.

   If I were a woman, there would almost never be a time when I wouldn't wear high heels or carry a gun. Or insist everyone call me Candy.

   When you think about it there aren't that many songs about rainbows.

   If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?

   There's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise.

   When you want things to be done, give them to a man, but when you want things to be discussed, hand them over to a woman!

   Zoo tip: Real Tigers often do not follow the rules of "Eenie meenie miney moe"