Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grandmother died and in the will she left me the whole farm!! only later did I realized it was on Facebook. Well played Grandmother, well played.

   Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.

   put my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley.

   All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.

   In my book, having sex with people comes first and getting to know the person comes second.

   Bad breath + Bad body odor = Undateable

   Women don't cheat on me, they cheat with me.

   Teacher: where is your homework? Student: I uploaded it on Facebook and I tagged you in it.

   I'll never just put the seat down; the lid's going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

   I hate gently tossing my phone on the bed and it ricocheting off three walls, hitting a lamp, and a cat.

   Has anyone seen MySpace Tom on Facebook?

   Thought of the day: If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

   Normally my dog opens the door with his face, tonight he sat and looked up at me when we got to the door. So I opened it with my face, I can see now why he's not a fan of this method.

   Me: "What color hair does the tooth fairy have?" My son: "Red, because it is you. I don't believe in fairies." My other son: "Her hair is gray. She colors it." Maybe I should have taught them to believe in fairies.

   I wish I could help run a country into the ground and still take a 100,000 trip for my birthday.

   I do understand the proper usage of they're / their and there's / theirs.  I just intentionally misuse them to drive you A-types nuts!

   My favorite genre of rap is bragging about all the murders you committed then complaining that the cops pull you over for no reason.

   The only thing standing between me and greatness is millions of people who are more talented and want it more.

   Her legs are like the waffle house.. Open 24/7 but people only eat there when they're drunk

   She goes down faster than power windows