Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Martha Stewart just turned 70 and is still bangable..... Either I'm losing it, or I am setting the bar really really low.

   Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   Ghetto word of the day: Bishop. My girlfriend fell down, so I pick the bishop.

   I'm a T-Rex, my arms are too small to wank so I'm always angry

   honey, if you ate half the makeup you put on your face, you'd be pretty on the inside too ;)

   our economy has Dow Syndrome

   when life gives me lemons, I forget about them in the crisper until they rot. Same thing with apples, really. Nothing special about you, lemons.

   ‎"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." - Jason Jones

   I hate using an air freshener I really like in the bathroom. Cuz after awhile, no matter where you use it, its always gonna smell like sh!t.

   King Obama is not incompetent, he's brilliant. He is purposely overwhelming the U.S. economy to creat systemic failure, economic crises and social choas. There by destroying capitalism and our country from with in!!!! Pure and simple...

   Q. What is the real purpose of FOREPLAY? A. To make sure it's REALLY a woman.

   I wasn't that drunk. "Dude, you walked into Wal-Mart and when the voice came on the intercom, you dropped on to your knees and screamed, “GOD HAS SPOKEN”

   no matter how odd the chances are for a villain in a fight, they always show up

   the hardest part of working in a restaurant is how your throat hurts after spitting in all those orders

   my friend is dating a chinese billionare, his name is Cha Ching

   Note to self: Lets keep those intimate times to ourselves..

   I guess I will call this little 9 song playlist "The Night I Got Drunk and Decided World Music was Awesome"

   I think the world of you! (Polluted, poor, generally prone to disaster.)

   Don't be alarmed if you see a man with his arm up a horses a$$ in Amish Country, He's just their mechanic