Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today marks the day of the 100th birthday of a true American icon...Lucille Ball. To many generations she has brought us laughs and enjoyment with her quirky dilemmas. Still to this day she brings laughter all over the world episode after episode of I Lov

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them just to see what they would do!

   Camping? You want me to go camping? Listen...My idea of "roughing it" is a night at Motel 6 with no cable. ng it

   Yeah I knew it was time to stop foreplay with this chic as soon as I heard her scream "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOUR IN THE JUNGLE BABY" as she was pulling down her pants.....

   The way I just scratched my back on the corner of this wall, leads me to believe I would have been an above average stripper.

   I can't wait to embark on this wonderfully mysterious, enchantingly romantic journey with you. The entire trip. All the way from, "Hello".....to...... "WTF JUDGE! THE HOUSE, THE CAR, AND PERMANENT ALIMONY TOO????"

   If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make them absolutely livid, tell em the truth!!!!!!!

   Lord gimme patience...or an untraceable handgun.

   Sometimes The Best Thing To Say Is Nothing. Some People Are Not Even Worth Your Words.

   The day I get my license is the day you get hit by a car.

   HER: "You've changed." ME: "Yes. I can't help it, I'm a transformer!"

   Just passed some guy flying a confederate flag on the back of his ragged out Honda Goldwing wearing a Jolly Rodger Helmet, with a Connecticut license plate. I laughed so hard I almost missed my turn!

   there's nothing worse than watching a movie preview with action, guns, explosions, fighting, people dying, hot chicks, and.....a PG-13 rating!!

   I was wondering why some wizards in Harry Potter are so much more powerful than others. Then it dawned on me. Midichlorian count.

   does anyone find it a bit distasteful that the movie Soul Surfer was released during "Shark Week"? I'm just saying!

   "Pot is bad, buy more alcohol." - Anheuser-Busch Lobbyist

   You know you're getting old when you hide the year of your date of birth on your profile.

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio

   What's more unattractive to me than a woman who smokes? One who destroys her body with countless tattoos and piercings. Seriously, just stop. It's not sexy.