Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

   I got my name tattooed on my p*n*s. My girl goes, "Stop trying to put words in my mouth."

   Why does everyone think my Dad's are gay?

   these statues suck.how about some jokes guys

   I took my girl to the Premiere of the new Planet Of The Apes movie; she spent most of the night signing autographs.

   i think fake boobs should come with a squeaky toy inside. How much fun would that be!

   Lord give me strength to deal with these A$$hole$ or this Louisville Slugger will!

   Some people say the greatest joy is having a kid, but those people never driven a 600hp V10 BMW M6.

   pee-ing so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   Ladies, if he is strumming your pain with his fingers, you should see a doctor

   A person who follows the crowd usually gets no further than the crowd.

   i might have a piece of sh*t, but I drive it like its nice :)

   went to see the planet of the apes movie. and I be damned if I didnt see a classmate from high school in the movie

   A man sees her, he wants her, he makes her believe him, he gets bored, and he leaves.

   Its my Status and I'll cry if I want to

   I was afraid the first time I went parachuting. The instructor said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun doesn't shine. I jumped. A little.

   Bush's "recession" was a lot better than Obama's "recovery".

   New concept: Thinking of writing a book that will be nowhere near as good as the movie.

   "Betty Crocker rocks out with her crock out." That one's a freebie, General Mills. Hit me up.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had..