Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Red cups..helping the youth get their buzz on for over 30 years

   Time heals everything... except a stupid tattoo.

   I bought my ex a pen for her birthday once. I should have got a better one though, she kept getting out. :(

   Ghetto Word of the Day: DECIDE. Usage: “My boy Trey is fronting like he love his girl, but errbody know he got a couple of chicks on decide”.

   One woman's trash is another woman's son. One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   Thinks being a responsible adult is way overrated.

   There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.

   Going to Walmart because Target requires a shower.

   if the grass seems greener on the other side, it just means someone is using better manure

   Insteading of buying a big, hi-definition TV I got new glasses instead. Now the picture is sharper and more lifelike and I saved thousands of dollars!

   if your blonde and attractive... stay away from Aruba

   Fun thing to do to a jogger: Slam on brakes, come to a screeching halt beside him and scream out the window, "Turn around!!!!!!, for God's sake turn around!!!!!!, they are coming this way fast." Then speed away.

   She's not a slut, she's just been on more wieners than Heinz ketchup

   If ur so damn concerned about animal testing then why dont you lobby to allow voluntary human testing in the U.S. AND THEN go volunteer. People who give $ to help animals but leave children & other humans 2 suffer piss me off.

   Busta Rhymes read all the Harry Potter books to me in about 3 minutes 47 seconds.

   Iowa state fair is selling a fried stick of butter. Glad to see you guys are still pro life.

   Why does Ninja Turtle pizza look like it taste better than my pizza?

   I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes....I don't know who crapped on your car.

   just sayin....just sayin...just sayin....just sayin...there ya go cry baby...go whine somewhere else...just sayin...just sayin....just sayin...

   I feel like someone is stalking me... Wait, it's just my shadow.