Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to those actresses who say they won't do nudity if it isn't important to the plot, they should do porn... there nudity IS the plot!

   "Please, consider giving your time to help those in need." ...Ok, done. Wow, what a bunch of whiners, that was so easy. NEXT PROBLEM.

   My neighbour talks to his dog like it's his child. I heard him while taking my cat's pyjamas off the clothes line.

   Do emo kids not get enough Happy Meals as a kid?

   Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   Hoarder is such a bad word.... I Prefer the term "Clutter Junkie"

   Just read that a canadian granny spent her 82nd birthday bungee jumping She landed safely ...where her breasts were already waiting for her.

   Dear Lord, Just once I would like to walk up to a RedBox and not have to wait for one of your special idiots to finish licking the screen. Amen.

   Dear infommercials.. Clearly its not a $100 value if you're selling it for 10 bucks

   "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "bad hunter."

   Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."

   By the time you recognize the opening drums from "Superstition" on my spacious dance floor, you're already pregnant.

   I'm not so much anti-social as I am pro-being left alone.

   In bed, when a girl says, "I'm Old Fashioned," she means, "I'm from a time when people didn't want to have sex with you."

   If you are ordering Chinese food and ask them for Miso soup, and they are out of it, do they tell you Miso sorry??

   Saturday, brought to you by the people that brought you coolers, ice, and cold beer.

   im about this close from being that far away..

   I would not be comfortable with online dating. My wife and I met the old fashioned way: Through CB radio.

   A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left Walmart. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

   Sesame street announced this week that Bert and Ernie are not Gay. I knew that already, They have no sense of style and haven't changed their outfits in 25 years. They are just dirty old men like me.