Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   So what happened?? Did London just find out about the Rodney King verdict

   it just me, or do those Stouffer's French Bread pizzas burn the sh%t out of the roof of your mouth too?

   Note to women: Its not that difficult to put the seat down if its left up.

   Marriage; the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy a license.

   A picture is worth a thousand words. Yours just says “slut” a thousand times in a row

   tried to balance the light switch, I should probably go to bed...

   U know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

   You can't hurry love, but you can honk the horn a few times and let it know you're waiting.

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the damn cops.

   Some people are just Facebook Retarded!

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig, is a militant feminist that can't cook and won't do as she is told.

   Loves deleting my facebook so I can post on my facebook page that I deleted it!

   Although preseason football is like non-alcoholic beer, it feels like the lockout added 10% of alcohol content

   If in our righteous endeavors to protect and keep what we love and value, we attack and demoralize those whom peacefully choose a different path, do we become no less than the entity that we are standing against?

   English fans are so soccer crazy, they are even having pre-season hooliganism riots!

   Every day I change my birthday on Facebook to THAT day just for all the attention.

   I'm not bulimic, I just like tasting the same food twice.

   so.... how soon is too soon to tell a family member you have been usuing there new toothbrush to clean the toilet???

   I've just seen the new rise of the planet of the apes trailer! it's funny how it's very similar to the London riots! Most expensive publicity stunt ever