Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fun thing to do to a jogger: Slam on brakes, come to a screeching halt beside him and scream out the window, "Turn around!!!!!!, for God's sake turn around!!!!!!, they are coming this way fast." Then speed away.

   She's not a slut, she's just been on more wieners than Heinz ketchup

   If ur so damn concerned about animal testing then why dont you lobby to allow voluntary human testing in the U.S. AND THEN go volunteer. People who give $ to help animals but leave children & other humans 2 suffer piss me off.

   Busta Rhymes read all the Harry Potter books to me in about 3 minutes 47 seconds.

   Iowa state fair is selling a fried stick of butter. Glad to see you guys are still pro life.

   Why does Ninja Turtle pizza look like it taste better than my pizza?

   I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes....I don't know who crapped on your car.

   just sayin....just sayin...just sayin....just sayin...there ya go cry baby...go whine somewhere else...just sayin...just sayin....just sayin...

   I feel like someone is stalking me... Wait, it's just my shadow.

   You know you're old when 'Getting Lucky' now means that you got the last package of Depends© left on the store shelf.

   If you can't face the problem, then the problem must be your face.

   Dear London Rioters: There is a big damn difference between, rioting for Freedom, and rioting for Free Stuff.

   Whenever I see sad and moody people, I just assume they are not getting the good sex at home, so they taking it out on the world.

   People who are, "Just sayin'" should try, "Just shutting the f**k up."

   I'm shallow, insecure, narcissistic, schizophrenic, neurotic, sociopathic, and egocentric. I also have a few bad traits.

   When a woman lies to me that she cant have sex with me becoz she is on her period, I tell her, "its a good thing your mouth is not bleeding too"

   Not even my closest friends know me as well as my internet history does.

   I'm not the jealous type... Unless you stop being infatuated with me. Then I pull you back so I can start ignoring you again.

   If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts.

   Fellas: If your woman starts updating her Facebook status right in the middle of having sex with you, it might be a clue that you are not doing her right.