Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a phone that does everything but ring.

   Never trust a dog to watch your food.

   I don't exactly hate her but if she is in fire and I have water I will drink it

   When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it's too late.

   i like your teeth...yellow is my favorite colour

   There's probably no problem in the world that can't be resolved by a good ol' fashioned Facebook survey.

   Kate plus eight is being cancelled, I think we can all together say eight times....thank God!

   I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.

   Wow, are we really so broke that Obama has to take the bus to work too?

   You know the economy is bad when you call the bill collectors to make a payment and their answering machine says there is an 8 hour hold time and to try your call again later.

   What's black and fills in welfare forms?......A pen. :P

   i keep arguing with myself.. sometimes I wish I would just shut up and mind my own business!

   If you have nothing nice to say, say it anyway. Who give a **** what people think?

   I don't wanna brag but that was the most perfectly executed 16 point turn of my life.

   It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.

   The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regluar butter...now I dont know what to believe.

   Once you get to be older, "friends with benefits" just means your partner has a solid 401k and a kick a$$ dental plan.

   I'm certain that the reason that God made Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.

   That akward moment when you go to collect your welfare payment but realised you burnt the post office down last week :(