Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear radio stations, instead of 40 minutes of commercial free music, how about 5 minutes of good music?

   Two rules of success in life: 1. Always have some secrets. 2.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   I swear it wasn't me that drew a d!ck on your face after you passed out. I traced it.

   The only person I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday.

   kleptomania, when it's bad I take something for it..........Nipper

   "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends".... if only all girls thought like the spice girls

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "they" are just poor virgins

   I don't know about flavored vodkas, but I'm pretty sure tequila only comes in one flavor; “Bad Decisions”.

   Behind every fat girl there is a beautiful woman.....No seriously, you're in the way.

   Wedding rings are bad for your circulation.

   Fat chicks never forget a drunken hook-up, because an elephant never forgets.

   "I could watch him play video games for hours," - said no one's wife, ever.

   ghetto word of the day...before: 2+2 before!

   Nice guys finish last....Real men finish on her face.

   I took a dump on a pigeons nest today. Revenge has never been this sweet.

   When someone is talking behind your back.....Just fart

   You know you are a sidechick when he got you saved under a dude's name in his phone.

   I saw a homeless guy holding a sign that said "Bet you cant hit me with a quarter!" I bet he didn't expect me to use a sling shot.