Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   she txtd me "im outside" so I txtd her back "Im inside looking at my phone saying that didnt sound like the doorbell" lol

   Every time someone wishes me "Sweet Dreams", I wake up with high blood sugar.

   I always polish off a box of Oreos at the Dentists' office right before a cleaning. My last bill was, $2400.00.

   I saw a sign in the hospital today, it read "For Family Planning - Please Use Rear Entrance". What good advice!!

   im against picketing, but I dont know how to show it

   if you're ever attacked by a bunch of clowns... Go for the Juggler!!!

   to those actresses who say they won't do nudity if it isn't important to the plot, they should do porn... there nudity IS the plot!

   "Please, consider giving your time to help those in need." ...Ok, done. Wow, what a bunch of whiners, that was so easy. NEXT PROBLEM.

   My neighbour talks to his dog like it's his child. I heard him while taking my cat's pyjamas off the clothes line.

   Do emo kids not get enough Happy Meals as a kid?

   Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   Hoarder is such a bad word.... I Prefer the term "Clutter Junkie"

   Just read that a canadian granny spent her 82nd birthday bungee jumping She landed safely ...where her breasts were already waiting for her.

   Dear Lord, Just once I would like to walk up to a RedBox and not have to wait for one of your special idiots to finish licking the screen. Amen.

   Dear infommercials.. Clearly its not a $100 value if you're selling it for 10 bucks

   "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "bad hunter."

   Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."

   By the time you recognize the opening drums from "Superstition" on my spacious dance floor, you're already pregnant.

   I'm not so much anti-social as I am pro-being left alone.

   In bed, when a girl says, "I'm Old Fashioned," she means, "I'm from a time when people didn't want to have sex with you."