Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you ever noticed flies bother you when you don't have a flyswatter? and then you get the flyswatter and then there's none to be seen? Wth!?!

   organizing a flash mob at my place, Thursday 3pm. Bring lawnmowers.

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.

   The Dominos Pizza Tracker should always end with "Your New Chin, You Fat Piece of Sh!t".

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   I Just got outta the dentist office and they were VERY IMPRESSED with my teeth, that they even made me take a couple of head shot photos........... They called them X-Rays, but I knew what they were getting at.

   It's not speed that kills you. It's the suddenly coming to a dead stop that does it.

   Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.

   Games Nursing Staff HATE playing on at a Nursing Home: 5) Ollie, Ollie Ijustpeed 4) Guess what's on My Shoe 3) Here we go Loopty Poo 2)Red Light, Green Light: A Game of Incontinence Care 1) Follow the Leaker

   Thank God I'm single..I don't have to pretend I give a damn about sports, cars, teenage girls in bikinis or his feelings.

   went from being "in a relationship" to "single." Ahhh I'm FREEE! Time for beer, sports, and p0rn

   Man who checks out woman's package, dosen't always work for UPS.

   Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

   Confucius Say: When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.

   If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.

   Confucius Say; To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit.

   the economy is so bad I saw a walmart CEO shopping at walmart

   To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house

   A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.

   A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.