Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know there is plenty of fish in the sea but I am looking for a mermaid.

   Before I let you sit at my table I gotta see what you bringing to it.

   Damnit, I have eaten all my popcorn and the movie has not even started.

   I bet if I lick that spot then you won't act like that.

   I happened upon a KKK rally. I said, "The only races you rednecks recognize are Indy and Daytona."

   Some people live one life, then tweet another.

   Drag my name through the mud and I will still come out clean.

   like you've never tried to squeeze your eyes to shoot with x-ray beams

   no prison can hold him, but a lot of prisoners will.

   I like to scare deaf people by yawning.

   Some people don't realize they lost a good thing until they see the next person enjoying and appreciating it.Then suddenly they want it back.

   If you wouldn't say it in person, dont say it online.

   *door knock* Me: who is it?..Him: Rick Ross tha Boss..Me: *runs to kitchen, puts a lock on the fridge and hides the key*

   If you want to talk to me send me a message in my inbox, don't broadcast it on my wall for everyone else to see. Thank you.

   There are 25 interesting things you can do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking!

   She has a Masters degree in lying but I have a PhD in recognizing bullsh*t.

   I think things did not work out between us because we both loved the same person; I loved you and you loved yourself.

   My Vocabulary = 50% swearing, 50% sarcasm

   Everyone says I'm short as if it isn't obvious enough, but that just means I'm a smaller, more awesome version of all the normal sized people

   It's always your favorite sins that do you in