Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went to a Real life party and I knew everybody there. Went to a Facebook party and saw most of my friends. Went to a Twitter party and didn't know anybody there. Went to a Myspace party and I was the only one there.

   Somebody should invent a breathalyzer you can hook to your computer to prevent people from facebooking while intoxicated...

   Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

   Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

   My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

   the difference between your mind and heart; your mind tells you what the smart thing is to do.. and your heart tells you what you're gonna do anyway.

   the rejection you feel when the automatic doors dont open for you..

   a black guy in a horror movie has a better chance to survive than a white girl in aruba

   ghetto word of the day: Israel "homie that watch is fake, nah man it this watch Israel"

   My “Sleep Number” is pretty much 24/7.

   Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. George Carlin

   The only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

   Abercrombie and Fitch telling the Jersey Shore Cast that wearing their brand makes the brand look scuzzy is a lot like Lindsay Lohan telling Paris Hilton that her partying antics make talentless famous starlets look like trash.

   had some x-rays taken today, turns out I'm not big-boned...just fat :(

   I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It's H2OMG

   finally, the Friday of my discontent

   Nobody is worth feeling like sh*t for, if they are not bringing you up, then drop their a$$ and stop letting them drag you down.

   Some girls date bad boys because they think they can 'fix them'. Stop it, he is not a broken car and you are not a mechanic.

   Don't worry about what people say about you. I mean, my shower saw me naked. Imagine what its telling the toaster?

   Married life has many Ups and Downs... I just wish most of them were between the sheets!