Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"

   If you want to insure you work in the field, bring something that needs to be microwaved for lunch :/

   My girlfriend said, "I don't know if six inches is gonna be enough for me." Thank God we were at Subway when she said it!

   you know your a redneck if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!

   I wait for my cat. His litter box is right beside our toilet. When he shows up we do a synchronized poop, high five and then share a can of tuna.

   ok....am I the only one that sings "Come on Irene" laughs then knows I shouldnt?

   the worst kind of illness is the kind others do not see, or choose not to. Only when it's too late do they realize their ignorance.

   I hate when somebody claims they are mad at you but won't tell you why.

   Nobody is perfect, but don't use that excuse to cover up your mistakes and stupidity.

   I think if I ever had to get an X-ray on my leg or something, I'd hide a piece of metal under my clothes that looks like a ninja star. Then I'd casually say "Oh that's an old battle wound..."

   What did the left pu$$y lip say to the other? We used to be so tight until we let some d*ck come between us.

   I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it

   you know my phone battery kinda lasts a lot longer now that I don't have a girl freind .

   I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!

   High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

   Having too many friends on facebook is like operating a junk infected e-mail account

   My hats off to all the guys who only have AM radio in their work trucks...yeah I'm listening to Merle Haggard also!

   Holy Crap!!!....That was just CRAZY!!!.....Oh well.....Hey folks.new cooking tip 101;-When making beer can chicken.....make sure chicken is dead before inserting can of beer!!..Let me repeat:MAKE SURE CHICKEN IS DEAD BEFORE INSERTING CAN OF BEER!!!!!....

   "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

   Drive defensively. Buy a tank.