Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.

   There aren't any good slogans for condoms because there aren't any themes... Make some Harry Potter ones... "Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets."

   You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.

   In our darkest moments we sometimes find a way to shine. Or smash a knee on the corner of a coffee table that you wanna toss into the fireplace.

   I got kicked out the pool today,apperently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was

   If you stalk a regular 16 year-old girl and take photos of her, you'll be arrested. But if she's famous, you'll be hired.

   Do I have an iPhone? Dude my phone has snake on it, does that answer your question?

   At lunch, and just ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

   The person who coined the phrase "Laughter is the best medicine" probably never received Demerol during his hospitalization.

   Nothing important, move along....

   Told one of my favorite co-workers she drew her eyebrows on a little too high one morning a few years back. I've never forgotten how surprised she looked.

   I don't want to brag but if kissing was a city, I would be its mayor.

   Can't wait till the movie "colombiana" comes out. She is the real definition of a Bad b!tch....

   "It's complicated" just means one person is all for it and the other person is riding the line.

   Unless you're in a resturant and you know the person has already eaten it's not a good thing to see someone walk out a restroom useing a toothpick.

   Ok... I've just discovered the worst part about being single... I can never find a damned thing!!

   Deja moo: the feeling you've heard this bull$hit before.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.

   I do not like them in my inbox. I do not like them from a blond fox. I do not like your webcam spam. I do not like them, Scam I Am.

   I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.