Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On C.N.N. morning news there has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. Bet this is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   If I was a doctor, I'd be so paranoid about catching all the diseases I know about.

   Combined "no problem" and "your welcome" to an upset customer ... its not good saying "your problem" at the end of a phone call .. whoops

   Every time I see you text/type "lyk dis" instead of like this, I assume you were that kid that went to the restroom and didn't come back until the end of Spelling and English class.

   I take very morning that I am able to open my eyes and wake up as another opportunity God has given me to be a better person than I was yesterday.

   Okay. They really should change the name of Judge Judy's show to: "Evidence, Shmevidence. He Just LOOKS Guilty!"

   You're so trashy, I'm surprised the garbage man doesn't try to pick you up with the rest of the trash bins.

   I am going on a date with a girl I met on Facebook. I warned her that she better look like her profile photo, or she buying me beer until she does!

   Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! She's under a blanket."

   What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?... I don't have a Ferrari right now.

   Put deep thought in before you jump that little fence to "greener pastures". Because when you try to go back, and you probably will try, that same fence may become an infinite wall...

   it time for your medication or mine?

   Whenever you feel like an idiot, just remember that flushing the toilet correctly already makes you less of an idiot than someone else

   Why is it that I have to take medication to stop myself from slapping people who need to take medication?

   My mother + my father - condom = COOLEST PERSON ALIVE! :-).

   Why are people always trying to get into shape?? Round is a shape!

   Besides seeing it on money, 'government' and 'trust' do not mix.

   Have you ever deleted a "friend?" If so, what was your rationale?

   I just watch my dog chase his own tail for 10 minutes and I was like, "Wow dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.....

   My biological clock must be off.. I'm getting morning wood in the evening