Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she listens to lil wayne, she to young for you bro

   Celebrities of old had talent and class! Why then are the likes of the Kardashians and Hiltons considered celebrities when they have neither?

   I'm not saying Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are talentless and incapable of attracting faithful fans. What I'm saying is that most of those fans still live in Grandma's Basement and keep the great American product KY Jelly in steady production.

   I'm better than most people. Even in the small things. Like when I use a Public Toilet I can easily ascertain that I'm better than 95% of the people who've been there because I know how to flush properlly.

   Single women are the reason women are single

   After looking for hours I'm pretty sure Waldo has the d@mn remote again.

   Now remember, in a romantic passionate marriage no one wears the pants.

   All my Wargaming Buddies need to keep this in mind: The game is just ga without me..

   If I ever end up missing, please put my picture on a bottle of vodka and not a milk carton, because then I know for sure that my friends will remember to look for me!

   If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.

   If smart phones were so smart they'd figure out a way to last longer than four hours.

   Love one, forget many.Do many, remember one.

   Was in the public rest room - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"... Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?"... Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?"

   I've decided that my years of experience as a Nurse will help me become a millionaire. I've designed a new adult diaper which is as comfortable as a huggie and is made from Sham Wow fabric. I'm calling it "The Sham Pooey".

   Comic book fans are enraged that Superman's new costume no longer has his underwear on the outside. The only guy who is happy about this is his Dry Cleaner. He knows poop stains which require kryptonite to remove are a serious pain in the a$$!

   Have you ever noticed after reading some peoples notices that they are just trying to get noticed. I also noticed that no one sends them a notice that their notice wasn't worth noticing.

   Most husbands often fantasize about Googling their Twitter on their wife's Facebook. Married reality for me is that she wont even look at Myspace anymore.

   When it comes to attempting to have a great date night with your Spouse it's kind of a "You win some and You lose some" situation. But everyone knows its a great night when finally "You get some".

   Every day as the years go by I find myself missing a special certain someone from my past. Lucky for me my aim is improving.

   Don't you know it's rude to talk while I'm interrupting?