Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

   Why isn't Planned Parenthood called what it really is? Unplanned Parenting In The Hood.

   As I sat there twirling my fingers through my hair I thought "I really must shave my balls"

   Whatta ya mean I can't shop here? The wrong mask??? What??? -Batman

   Why do people wear face masks in their Facebook profile picture, I mean come on now this is Facebook not the supermarket.

   The only reason I am not going to my patio and jumping off of the railing during all this madness is because I live on the first floor and do not want to look like a mental escapee to all of my neighbors.

   Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

   90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

   Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

   Fat chances are my favorite chances

   I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.

   I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.

   If I use my stimulus money to buy baby chickens, does this mean we got money for nothing and chicks for free? ‬

   Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

   Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

   Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

   Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon. Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL Doctor:

   If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

   Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

   My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.