Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Steve Jobs' text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" autocorrect gone bad strikes again!

   Uncle sam & all his relatives gotta take a piece of my paycheck. Half of these people I don't even know what they do...like who the hell is FICA???

   playing cards is a lot like marriage...if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

   I hope hurricane Irene takes care of "Jersey Shore"... Permanently!

   WOW! Monty Hall turns 90 today - apparently he was offered 12 more year of healthy living, or he could trade it for what's behind door #2

   May the force of Hurricane Irene wipe out the entire "Jersey Shore" cast. Lord, hear our prayer!

   has a bad case of SRH!!! (Sperm retention headache)

   Why is it that when I get 50 napkins at McDonalds I don't use any, but when subway gives me two they're gone in 10 seconds.

   I can't decide if this thick orange sky color over New York is beautiful or too close to a chemical attack of some sort.

   Am I a hypochondriac? Well, a cloud just went in front of the sun and I thought I was fainting.

   If your azz is as wide as an ax handle, you shouldn't be allowed to use "LMAO"

   There's some consolation in the fact that even though your dreams haven't come true.... neither have your nightmares.

   Refuses to add his co workers on Facebook, I don't want them to see all the sh!t I talk about them on there.

   The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

   maybe they should make a game for your phone where you can shoot women into the air with a slingshot and try to destroy everything men say and call it ANGRY B*TCHES

   's bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation!

   I read where it said that having sex burns 4 calories per minute. I mean come on, are you serious? This has to be worng. How was this ever verified? A WHOLE minute??

   There's a small child trying to talk to me right now. Quick! What should I do??

   I'd rather hear my parents describe how they have sex than hear a group of drunk chicks when their favorite song comes on.

   Just once I'd like to yell, "You're a f#%$ing disgrace!" without feeling like a hypocrite.