Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey east coast, California speaking. Hope you enjoyed our earthquakes:)

   Im gonna hang out with everyone who likes this status today

   You know college has changed you when you see your 6 year old niece drinking out of a red plastic cup, and you scream, "Don't drink that... juice." Oh.

   You're Profile Picture had me at Hello... as in Hello, Report/Block, Goodbye that's a Fake Profile B*tch!"

   Obama is going to announce a new plan to get Americans back to work but it won't air until after Labor day.

   Grocery shopping right after a buffet dinner sucks!!

   My typical morning where I can turn water into coffee!!

   Get OVER the FOX Bashing!! If you spend all day watching all stations?? Then shut UP!! I believe in Fain & Inbalance.. I'm just saying..

   I'm not that vain, but that song is about me.

   it messed up that I place some 1 else's parking ticket on my car so I wouldn't get one...I was going to put it back when I got finished with my business but they pulled off.. Now they might get charged a extra $10 for not paying on time

   #ThatMomentOfHappiness when you see your ex and they're doing worse without you in their life

   RETRO BREAKING NEWS: NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, and MSNBC blames Bush for Katrina. Also for herpes, World War 1 and "All My Children" getting cancelled.

   It's now being reported that two earthquakes hit the New Jersey area. In other words, Snooki fell twice.

   BREAKING NEWS: Fox News blames Obama for the earthquake. Also for herpes, World War 1 and "All My Children" getting cancelled.

   I call dibs on everything, ever. Sorry, it's out of my hands now. I'll be by to pick up all of your stuff later. Or MY stuff, rather.

   ..... That was no earthquake in DC ......... that was a warning shot!!!!

   Hey Florida, if you need an Ark, I Noah guy!!

   I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.

   I think at this point, the Beastie Boys are more concerned about Medicare coverage. Than the right to party

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to f*ck with you.