Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust a skinny chef

   pull out the umbrella... somebody just rained on my parade

   I Rock, Therefore I Am. I'm Stoned, Therefore I Have the Munchies.

   I just made a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico, Thanks Irene

   thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!

   ‎5 reasons hurricanes are like Christmas...5) Family & friends out-of state-calling you 4) Last minute shopping in crowded stores 3) Days off from work 2) Candles 1) And at some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

   Beauty without virtue is like a rose without scent.

   I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center. --Vonnegut

   Why is it that a woman can get a tattoo of a naked fairy sitting on a half moon and its sexy, but when a guy gets a naked wizard making love to a dragon its creepy?

   Turns out, no matter how many Oreos you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview.

   A surprise party is a great way to show your woman how awesome you are at lying to her face

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”

   All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that's their own fault.

   Like for Ron Paul 2012 Dislike For Obama 2012

   Dear Hurricane Irene: Don't disappoint me like the " Rapture" a few months ago. Their are only so many times I'm willing to sit naked on my deck with a cigar expecting the "end times". Bring It, you stinky b!tch. I made potato salad.....

   I saw a man in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoking a joint. One of those high deaf TVs.

   ♫♪♫♪ Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye ♪♪♫♫ Come on, Irene♫♪♪

   I noticed the storm track seems to be somewhere between the moon and New York City!

   As a show of support for all my friends effected by or responding to Hurricane Irene, I am currently sitting in a washer set to spin............

   How is being married like a hurricane? There is a lot of blowing at first, but sooner or later your gonna lose your house.