Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all the people who failed out of school, just remember 2 things: 1. You tried your best! 2. I said no tomatoes on my burger, b1tch!

   I'm a White man, and working for a living was my idea.

   watching day after tomorrow and the news at the same time. its almost like watching the same thing!!!

   I woke up early this morning and it dawned on me.....OH SH!T, I betta go back to sleep! Lmao!

   attention Hot Women of Vegas...if you insist on wearing skinny, hot women clothes while visiting, please make sure you are, in fact, a skiiny, hot girl!!!

   doesn't that swirling graphic the weather channels show of Irene look like a sonogram? I keep thinking the whole east coast is pregnant... and 'The Situation' is the father

   waiting to be blown by Irene ... I wonder if she swallows :)

   When will women ever learn? You cant go on hunting for a new man when you still have pictures of your ex all over your albums. Get rid of that sh*t first.

   missing piece on apple's logo is steve jobs...!!!

   Always be upfront with your feelings and not lead people on.

   A chick just posted as her status "Which celebrity would like to have sex with right now? :D".....Apparently, saying "Amy Winehouse" is a good way to get deleted and blocked. :P

   GUY IN MALL: "Would you like to improve your balance and try this balance bracelet?" ME: "No thank you. I have toes."

   If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."

   I hope Eagles fans loaded up on batteries to throw at the hurricane, lol Philadelphia fans lol......

   I remember something traumatic from when I was two days old. The Doctor performing my circumcision looked at me, with knife in hand and said, "It won't be long now!"

   Big Pool Party Going On Saturday Night,Through Sunday.Hosted By Hurricane Irene..Music By:Raindrops,Thunder,Wind&Guest Apperence By Lightning.This Gonna Get Crazy Get Your Life Jackets.

   Was driving a van full of women to a Jimmy Buffett concert. Saw a sign that read 25 MPH. I thought to myself, "Twenty five Menopausal Parrot Heads is right.

   Watching hurricane reporter standing in the surf. The weirdness in me is waiting for a shark to get him. Sorry.......

   Marc Anthony: "Let it rain over me!" R. Kelly: "Are you sure?"

   no those jeans don't make your a55 look big...it's your a55 that make those jeans look small.