Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's everyone doing for Labor day?? I think I'm gonna get right into the action and head over to the maternity ward..... :) :) :)

   There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

   I just called bullsh!t but it went straight to voicemail.

   My girlfriend left me because she was sick of my xbox puns. I guess we didn't really kinect.

   all in all you're just another 'update' in the wall.

   imagine how pissed Batman gets whenever Robin uses foursquare. "The location of the Bat Cave is meant to be a secret, so STOP checking in!"

   Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip

   So the women of facebook are ## weeks and craving ???? . . the # relates to the month they were born, and the craving is the date (secret emails) . supposed to raise awareness for cancer, only this it makes me aware of is how sneaky women are

   May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

   Dear Fellow Motorist, When your nosehairs get so long you have a boog flapping in the wind hanging on for dear life that can be seen one lane over, I think it's time to invest in a trimmer. Sincerely, Really Grossed Out

   I saw a girl with a belly ring. She must've weighed 400 lbs. That belly ring turned out to be a hitch.

   Where there's a will I want to be in it

   You never see the guys putting big advertisement signs up on the highways

   Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don't mix.

   I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about kitchen knives.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me knives, and I didn't know what they were!

   Today, I found out that ‘Made in China' stickers are made in Korea. Mind = BLOWN!

   The Lord works in mysterious ways… Just like those road maintenance guys.

   My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.

   Here's a little bit of advice for you.. advi

   Facebook should change the status question from “What's on your mind?” to “What's your problem today?”