Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I they rain on my parade, I dance in their rain.

   Had breakfast at Waffle House, as I was leaving the waitress said "Have a waffly day". Now I'm thinking great, a whole day of indecision.

   If you are in a relationship, and you are not enjoying all the great things and benefits that come with a relationship, double check the meaning of a RELATIONSHIP.

   Usually when a woman cries, it's not just over one thing. It's built up anger and emotions that she has been holding in for far too long.

   Just a reminder. If it sounds too good to be true... don't click on it. Your naïveté is posted all over our walls, and frankly, I'm embarrassed for you.

   DODGY EMAIL WARNING! Do not under any circumstances open any email you receive which says 'two free tickets to see Arsenal". It contains two free tickets to see Arsenal. Please pass it on.

   Before having sex with a woman finger her and put it to her nose if she jumps back, kick that b*tch out.

   A real woman will not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not prepared to accept into her life.

   Before asking someone why they hate you, slap and ask yourself why you even care.

   facebook messing up your relationship??? well dial this number 1~800~LOG OFF!

   A recent police study found that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   I might be your ex but I'm better than your next.

   Some guys mess up and lose a good woman because they are so used to dealing with sluts that they have forgotten what it takes to keep a real woman.

   Your "ex" can be your worst enemies. They know your weaknesses, secrets and your personal business.

   Playing with her heart is lame. Decide what you want the girl or the game.

   Running away from your problems is a race you'll never win.

   That rather uneasy moment when you tickle someone and they aren't ticklish.

   You know you're fat when you run out of breath eating.

   Ladies: If a guy ever tells you he's “crazy” about you, then you better believe it because we rarely use words like that.

   Men dont lie; they just tell you what you want to hear.