Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've managed to keep a plant alive for 6 months now, so obviously I'm ready for a relationship.

   .All sexy women should be seen in 3-D...That's my apartment # 3 - D .

   Everyone's always competing for the best weight loss plan, I got it right here: Turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat exercise when offered something to eat. #legit

   I don't understand why people in movies open doors so slowly to be stealthy. Doors only creak when you do that. I mean, try opening your door really quickly. Not a sound.

   Whenever I meet a new girl I shake her hand with my left hand. I wouldn't want her to meet her competition right away.

   I have a solution for Health care Reform--cut the politicians pay by 7/8, eliminate their health insurance and tell them to deal with it!

   I hate it when I go for a hug, and she goes for a handshake. >:(

   Admits that even as an adult, finding an onion ring mixed in with my fast food french fries is exciting.

   Today, my wife told me I'm immature. I replied, 'I know you are but what am I?'

   My mother never breast fed me. She told me she likes me as a friend.

   "Addadictome",,,,,,,,,,,,,You know,, It's a procedure,,,, I think Chaz Bono had it.

   Sometimes it's like my wife and I aren't even related.

   #CoinStar guaranteed walk of shame for $10 bucks

   hey Ladies...I just noticed that I stick my tongue out in concentration when I wipe my butt. It's pretty adorable... still single

   Chaz Bono to be on Dancing with the stars: Babe, It's not you babe.

   Chapstick should be marketed as making-out lube.

   Since today is Labor Day, I am dressing up as a union goon and beating up everyone with a different opinion from mine

   Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies!

   If plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.

   The condoms I use are so sensitive thet stick around to talk to the chick for an hour afer I leave.