Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don't mix.

   I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about kitchen knives.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me knives, and I didn't know what they were!

   Today, I found out that ‘Made in China' stickers are made in Korea. Mind = BLOWN!

   The Lord works in mysterious ways… Just like those road maintenance guys.

   My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.

   Here's a little bit of advice for you.. advi

   Facebook should change the status question from “What's on your mind?” to “What's your problem today?”

   Girl: oh sh*t you feeling real freaky so you brought whip cream cherries and the syrup Guy: no b*tch I just wanted a sundae!

   and God said, "Let there be Friday" ..and the devil said, "Let there be beer"

   Your lips are tasting like Vodka and I just wanna get wasted.

   Dear huge spider that was in my shower, I'm sorry I killed you. The ugly fact of nature is I was just bigger than you. Had you been a hungry tiger...It would be me waded up in a kleen

   If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything...

   I am just happy to be real, in a world that has gone FAKE.

   You're the best part of my day

   Here's to anyone who has had their heart broken by someone... they have never dated.

   All of my old friends pretend to be content upon a shelf. They've all got little lives and little wives and little lies but little else.

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   someone ended a tweet to me with "STFU." I've no doubt they were referring to St. Fu the patron saint of long mustaches.

   I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

   If I can make ONE person smile, laugh, or feel good about themselves every single day, then my purpose on this earth has been fulfilled. Everything else is there just to pass the time.