Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls say the only man they can trust is their dad, men say the only girl they can trust is the one they're having an affair with :P

   I miss the metal slides that would give you 3rd degree burns on a hot summers day...Goodtimes!!

   I'm not addicted to Facebook. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

   Textaphrenia – thinking you've heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   these kids today are lucky they have the soft plastic jungle-gyms with straw padding the ground..Instead of those broken down wooden death traps we had too play on as kids with that soft cement to break your fall...

   Almost choked to death on some broccoli but no way, I ain't going out like that.

   Honestly, I would prefer to look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that!" Than instead of saying, "I wish I did that..."

   considering the irony of someone actually "butt-dialing" their proctologist

   Texting while lonely can be just as dangerous as texting while driving.

   I love being called silly, strange, weird, different, odd, etc. I always take it as a compliment.

   Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ''Thing" with someone.

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   Ah, Sarcasm. What would I ever do without you?

   Just read my daughter's diary & I'm shocked and horrified by her spelling: "Falayshio" "Vycoton" "Kill Prinsaple." It's embarrassing.

   The only way this middle seat could be more uncomfortable is if the in-flight movie were "Your Parents Doing It: A Documentary"

   Why the hell was my status about SLUTS deleted? Who the hell is abusing his power up in this biyatch.

   When will the US State Department recognize the Man vs Food nation

   In an interview years later, Prince's former boss Mr. McGee said that he never disliked Prince. He just liked Morris Day better.

   Waitress just said their creamed spinach was banging. Not sure how I feel about that.