Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic: USE a feather. Kinky: Use the whole chicken

   Good Idea: Trying to talk your way out of a ticket Bad Idea: Telling the cop that he/she is very attractive, and that's not just the booze talking.

   Just because you're in a committed relationship, doesn't mean you can't have friends of the opposite sex.

   I'm hoping one of the new scenes Lucas adds to Star Wars involves Jar Jar being brutally killed

   Just read the entire Michael Jackson will -- turns out the doggone girl is mine.

   Third parties always complicate a relationship that's meant for two.

   I really hate it when someone calls my PHONE and says who is this, this is my phone, who are you?

   "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I told a lie just to earn some money." "Christ will forgive you, remember to put money into the donation box."

   I forgive people, but that doesn't mean I trust them thereafter.

   What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.

   there is one thing I really don't find funny, and that is people trying to be funny

   was standing in line at the ATM the other day when a elderly lady asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her

   it odd that plenty of fish lets you search for a girl who does drugs often? I guess I have never woke up and said "Wow, I sure wish I could meet a nice meth head somehow"

   just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream

   I'm more confused than an infant in a titty bar.

   Every time I concentrate real hard, it starts to smell like incense.

   "Strike while the iron is hot" is pretty violent advice, but I guess if I'm hitting someone with an iron it might as well be hot.

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase"Regards"ever again.

   at least the Notre Dame crowd Evacuated Like A Champion Yesterday

   Sometimes when an attractive woman starts talking to me I forget how to speak and just start doing lunges.