Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The word "lulz" hurts my eyes. Please make it stop.

   really dont like joggers.. watch the news isnt it a lil suspicious they are always the ones who find the bodies

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying “No Service”? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some c*nt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

   I woke up this morning and found my big toe was missing, in it's place was a litte note that read 'gone to market'

   Love my new job. It's at a work free drug place.

   I don't think any woman could ever break my heart as much as the prequels to Star Wars did.

   The Mayan Calendar says the world will end on Dec 21, 2012, which really means a lot of babies will be born on Sept 21, 2013.

   Does anyone know what the other half of the battle is?

   "If your wife can't handle a compliment, maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed moustache!"

   Stop criminals and repeat offenders - DO NOT re-elect them!

   How come Obama doesn't eat pickles? because he can't get his head in the jar...

   Last night I was two women shy of having a threesome...

   It's just amazing how much has changed since we got bin Laden.

   You simply have not lived until your dad's sperm fertilizes your mother's egg.

   You Cant Tell Me Casey Anthony and Kreayshawn DON'T look alike.

   Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate

   Sarah Palin said, "Polls are for strippers." Cute. Guess what Grandma? Birth control pills are for teenagers.

   In other news Apple bans apples from all grocery stores.