Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's a grill kind of day!! I'm an Omnivore however in a gesture of sensitivity to Vegans everywhere, today I'm only gonna eat vegetarian animals .

   its hard "not to judge a book by its cover" when its barely covered, orange, wearing pounds of makeup, fake eyelashes, and bleach blonde.

   That rather uneasy moment when someone compliments you and you can't find anything to compliment them on.

   Soup of the day: Tequila.

   Girls cheat if there's something wrong with the relationship; guys cheat if there's an opportunity to get away with it.

   My wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.

   I am 99.9% sure she doesn't like me and will never date me. But it's that 0.1% that keeps me going

   The 3 stages of love and relationship: 1. Anywhere sex, fairly self explanatory. 2. Bedroom sex, it only happens here and at night if you aren't too tired 3. Hall Sex, where you walk past each other in the hall and yell "Screw You!"

   its funny how those who cry "tolerance" and "open-minded" are so intolerant and closed-minded to philosophies other than their own...

   Potatoes have skin, you have skin. Therefore you are a potato.

   Lord, give me patience or a really good lawyer.

   I know that I'm worth the wait. If you can't be patient and wait for me then I know you're not worth it.

   Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are one and the same.

   Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too.

   Yes honey you can talk to other guys; I don't mind a little competition. But don't get mad when you have some competition too.

   "My memory is so bad" "How bad is it" "How bad is what?"

   If you're reading this, congratulations you're alive. And if that's not something to smile about then I don't know what is.

   She has butter legs – they spread easily.

   Teacher: Imagine you were in a world of dinosaurs and they were about to eat you. What would you do? Smart-a$$ Student: Easy, stop imagining.

   The two best days of school are the first and the last.