Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Something about seeing a mattress salesperson awake and sitting at their desk doesn't promote their product.. I wanna see someone passed out and snoring

   Never have a tea party with your daughter if you know the only water she can reach is the toilet.

   Jesus Christ & U. S. Veterans are the only forces that offered to die for you.

   Just ONCE on Blues Clues I would like for the "mail" to be from a bill collector.

   I wonder if Professional Boxers ever tell their friends that they are "as pleased as punch."

   Obamacare-Call us when you are shovel ready.

   Describing a woman as "Fine" evokes a certain mental image. Describing her as "Fine as Frogs Hair" evokes a completely different image. For example Courtney Cox is "Fine" but Courney Love is "Fine as Frogs Hair."

   Waterbording's more fun than a polygraph.

   when you have fat friends, there is no such thing as seesaw.. only catapults

   "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -Dave Barry

   I always wondered something. Exactly how cool is a cucumber anyway?

   Question:They say theres a place for everything and everything has it's place. You know the place where Our Troops want to put like a million Military Boots? Answer: Soulja Boy's a$$.

   back in a minute, I have to take an Obama.

   ■When I was little… I always thought the moon was following my car.

   well why dont you post a white joke? oh that's right there isn't any because blacks can't write.

   If “Oscar De La Toya Jackson” isn't the best drag queen name ever, then I don't know what I'm doing in these heels and boxing gloves anymore.

   When facisim goes to sleep, it checks underneith it's bed for Ron Paul!

   What's the objective for Jewish football......To get the quarterback!

   Anyone else see FB Bugs?! ̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨They drive you crazy and you can't wıpe them off your screen!!

   if there's a camera flash in the picture, she's prolly too ugly for you bro!