Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering what the hell is a party rocker? Any WHY are they in my house tonight??

   Was on the bus today and a group of black youths were saying F in' this, F in' dat, F in the other. Not exactly swearing, they were just talking about their exam results.

   I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:

   My flood preparations go to bed in my swim trunks and tape my cellphone to the ceiling.

   Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available...

   "If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid.. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for?"

   Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way.,,

   Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised.

   I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it

   do me a favor, next time you have to "go to the left of your profile and select the first 8 friends", just go ahead and punch yourself in the face. And remember, NO CHEATING!!

   Site owner must be Christian, he don't like words even remotely close to bad.

   no matter how hard it rains, two dudes under one umbrella is a little gay

   I keep being told what to watch for in the GOP debate tonight......I checked every channel and it's not televised, Thank God.

   Be a good listener, your ears will never get you in trouble

   I fell victim to a Fonzie scheme. My financial advisor kept flashing me the thumbs-up and saying "Aaaaay!" And calling me "Richie".

   I'm going to start referring to babies as "crypods"

   does anyone else only watch the show "Hardcore Pawn" cause they read the title wrong? Asking for a friend.

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition

   I remember a time when our country put aside its differences and came together as one. To show our contempt for Hollywood awards shows.

   has 2 mysterious people living in our house... Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and nobody knows who!