Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a baby with a shirt that said "Pardon my nipple breath"

   Next time you get a call on your cell and you dont know who it is, answer it.... 'hello, westwood sperm bank, you squeeze it - we freeze it' !

   4 out of 5 men prefer women with big asses. The 5th guy prefers the other 4 guys

   Twinkle twinkle little snitch , mind your own business you nosey b*tch.

   That rather uneasy moment when the person you hate is still breathing.

   Teacher: What comes after 69? Smart-a$$ Student: Mouthwash.

   Don't confuse being stupid with being in love. There is a huge difference.

   Just because we don't know what name to call what we are to each other doesn't make what we have any less serious.

   There can be sex with no relationship, but by god there can never be a relationship with no sex.

   If there is no element of madness, then its not love.

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   This is a fun place so whatever topic you bring up, no matter how sacred or taboo, it WILL be made fun of and ridiculed.

   I hear that boxers don't have sex before a fight. I guess beating the crap out each other after sex would hurt their relationship.

   It's better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

   The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

   My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

   I'm still waiting for my chance to shout "UNHAND me you fools!!" as security escorts me off the premises.

   My father was right up there with Einstein in the Science department...She taught me all about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

   A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP is born when the KING of mixed signals hooks up with the QUEEN of second thoughts.

   Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.