Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't tie the knot until I was in my thirties... To this day, I still struggle with shoelaces!

   I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up...

   And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.

   A mail carrier in Florida is refusing to deliver mail to a nudist community. He said, "Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages."

   The Number 1 reason that prospective applicants are rejected from the show "The Bachelor" is herpes. Apparently, you can't get on the show if you don't have it.

   A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge.

   Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving."

   Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?

   When you wake up without a tag on your toe, consider it a great way to start the day!

   I blame Obama for the 1900 point drop in the Dow Jones, even though he has nothing to do with it.

   Whoever thinks money doesn`t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

   I'm the perfect man, if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.

   I wonder if the hats, which were made in China, are infected with the coronavirus?

   What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1

   I don't watch Faux News for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet.

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.

   Women are strange creatures. My wife just told me that I needed to do some soul searching…..... so I Googled James Brown.

   it just me... or does Orange Juice taste funny without Vodka.

   The worst part about growing old is having to hang out with old people.