Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A teenager is always lazy to hold a pencil and write but never too lazy to hold a cell phone and type..

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfich, I'm the god of flakes.

   When I say "I won't tell anyone", my best friend doesn't count.

   Face your damn problems. Don't Facebook your problems.

   The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline'

   The only obstacle to following my dreams is the alarm clock...

   I Like that you Like what I Liked before I Liked it. Can we be friends?

   Don't type to me in THAT tone of voice!

   facebook should have an "irrelevant" button . Seriously.

   so everyone's so captivated in changing and updating their online status nowadays.. how about trying to update your "Actual" social status where friends can like you in real life for you, than for your imaginary egotistic thoughts about your life.

   Do you know what chairs think about all day? Oh great here comes another a**hole.

   Homeland security says the informat they have is a good source. Sounds to me the source may be part of the problem.

   What is black and hangs from trees in my garden? Blackberries

   How may perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One - but it takes an expert medical team to remove it afterwards.

   Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's house? Neither has he.

   I don't see it so much as a cushion. For me it's more of a fart-absorbing device.

   Life is not measured by the breaths you take...its measured by the moments that take your breath away.

   Dear chairs, I know you get more a$$, but I get more head. Sincerely, Pillows.

   "I lost my phone." "Where did you put it last?" "If I known where I put it last, I wouldn't be here saying I lost my phone, dumba$$

   I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally...It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested...It just aint right