Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get really uncmfortable when people ask embarrasing questions about sex. Like:"Is that it?"

   That's ok. Iv'e been meaning to clean that table with a full glass of water for a while.

   What's the deal with deaf people? Like, Hello?

   Mann life would be so much easier if we just generated all of our food into farts and never had to poop..

   I just asked my buddy who's lived in Texas on a farm his whole life how many sexual partners he's been with. Strangely enough he started counting and fell asleep. O.o

   If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie

   I'm proud to say I'm a humble person

   Never look back unless you're planning to go that way

   Everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to serve as a bad example

   Dave's girlfriend left him today. She said it was because Dave wouldn't stop talking in the third person.

   Gerbil owner? Add an element of surprise to your pets day by placing a bowl of ready Brek in it's cage, covered in sawdust and then placing a sign nearby saying "danger quicksand"

   joined a nudist colony last week........the first few days were the hardest!

   My ex-girlfriend sent me a message last night saying "I'm at a major c0ckfest". I guess this is her way of making me jealous, jokes on her I don't even like c0ck.

   My girlfriend told me yesterday, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "I have been working out."

   I've had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver

   You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.

   Pro Tip: When one of your roomies is having a fight with his girlfriend, always take sides with the girl - that way you'll get first shag if they split.

   No Ma'am, Wireless-G isn't a rapper.

   My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker, Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

   I hope you have pet insurance because I'm about to destroy your p*ssy.