Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always used to make fun of my ex about the sex tapes we made, but she was a good sport, she always took it on the chin.

   girls know everything except when a guy likes them..

   Me and the ex used to do a bit of roleplaying once in a while, Well, uhhh, lemme tell you this much.... that was the first and last time I ever used my "Sean Connery" accent to ask her to sit on my face...... :(

   I wonder what comes out when you vomit in a brita filter

   It's ironic that Barack Obama says "we shall not live in fear" as he stands behind bullet-proof glass making his speech at the WTC memorial.

   You have a choice. You can throw in the towel, or you can use it to wipe the sweat off of your face.

   Thou Shalt Not Contact People From Your Distant Past While Intoxicated

   why did stevie wonder stop writing songs? he dropped his pencil.

   I propose a variation of "Punch Buggy" called "Too Old for a Stroller". When you see a 7 y/o being carted down the street, slug the parent.

   To the people of the land of the free and home of the brave ...we salute you and mourn with you...

   United 93: The first counteroffensive in the war on terror

   It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.

   Don't do the crime, if you can't handle the anal.

   No one deserves to be anyone's dirty little secret or backup plan.

   What a wifey understands, a ho could never comprehend.

   I just saw a baby with a shirt that said "Pardon my nipple breath"

   Next time you get a call on your cell and you dont know who it is, answer it.... 'hello, westwood sperm bank, you squeeze it - we freeze it' !

   4 out of 5 men prefer women with big asses. The 5th guy prefers the other 4 guys

   Twinkle twinkle little snitch , mind your own business you nosey b*tch.

   That rather uneasy moment when the person you hate is still breathing.