Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am the kind of friend who will sneakly shake your soda can before handing it to you.

   WARNING! My mind is subject to change.

   True story: Apparently there is a bar/club called "G-spot" in my area. One night a girl came up to me downtown and asked me where the "G-spot" was located and I said I didn't know. Epic Fail

   "As Obama Discusses His Job Creation Plan, Bank Of America Releases Details Of 40,000 Job Cuts"

   I'm not homophobic, some of my best shirts are gay.

   If you ever see me getting beating by the police, put down the camera and come help me instead..

   I just got a new high score at Dishwasher Tetris!

   This Yorkie is eating up our retirement money. I'm serious. She found the shoebox under the bed.

   I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

   I assume "Luftballons" is German for "bottles of beer on the wall"

   My wife told me she wanted something that goes from 0-200 in 2 seconds flat when shes in it. I gave her a scale

   A guy from the Saw Mill runs to the Doctor. He screams, "Help me, Doc! I just sawed off all my fingers!" The Doc says, "Calm down, we can reattach them, where are they?" "I AIN"T GOT EM!" "How come?" The guy goes, "I COULDN'T PICK 'EM UP."

   Facebook is a like real life in that I don't think of the witty reply until 5 or 6 days after the conversation happened.

   A real woman avoids drama like a plague, for she knows her efforts and time are too precious and to be wasted on little minded people and their tantrums... Unless of course that woman is an alcoholic sexual deviant, then 'real' no longer applies.

   Never marry a tennis player----love means nothing to them!

   Funny how they call it common sense when it seems so rare.

   I remember September 11th like it was only yesterday.

   Just saw a baby with a shirt that said, not everything stays in Vegas.

   Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children

   The cops knocked on my door today & told me that my dog attacked a man on a bike. I told them to quit lying. My dog don't own a bike!