Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going to watch the True Blood finale now. After watching the Tea Party debate, I need to experience something closer to reality

   When one of us goes down, the rest of us need to come and pick that person up.

   If you lick your sandwich in front of me so I won't steal it when you walk off, I will lick the other side.

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want."

   My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hahahaha" -- um, yea it was funny, but let's keep our pants on.

   Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back." - some hooker

   I think the next reality show should be called "Taking out the Kartrashians." People get to beat them all up and stack them by the curb.

   Whizzing backwards on your office chair makes you look like a dynamic go-getter! But waddling forwards on it makes you look retarded :(

   My Girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate... Now I have 2 Girlfriends!

   My plan to train the world's first tap dancing spider would have gone better had I not freaked out and stomped it to death whilst screaming like a little girl.

   after dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that's not done at this hotel....

   If we are in a car and I love the song that just came on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I will cut you.

   "Don't speak to me, I will k!ll you, eat you, sh!t you, stomp you flat, scrape what's left of you off my shoe onto the curb and set you on fire!!!" "Damn baby, I just said good morning." "I'll go get the Midol and Pr0zac."

   I didn't bust too many cherries in high school but I'm pretty sure I stretched a few out.

   I need a job where I can punch stupid people all day.

   I just realized that I'll never see a genuine ninja...because if I do, it wasn't.

   Not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.

   Some people message me and wonder why I've deleted them from my friends list. And I always respond "Even the trash gets taken out once week around here."

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   My pimp hand is like Verizon, all it takes is one smack and you better believe that b!tch "can hear me now."