Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.

   I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?

   a sneaking suspicion that we've read this before. if you read them here 5 or 10 pages ago odds are we did too.

   would you lke a tampon with that status you moody b*tch

   Dont Ask Don't Tell policy is no more in the U.S. Military Time for a party I'll bring the beer you bring the rear

   Damn, my foot's asleep, now it's going to be up all night.

   Only in West Virginia would see a bumper sticker that reads "Proud parent of a nephew"

   Sort of rude to kiss your husband right in front of me when I've been looking at your boobs from behind a tree for 20 min.

   It seems like it's too early in the week to give up, but it isn't.

   I didn't change, My standards did.

   You can't always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.

   Dont tell me you are missing me when you are not doing anything about it.

   Fat women stay buying bikinis...Walking around the beach looking like a biscuit wrapped in rubberbands

   I need all my haters to do a favor for me real quick: Go plank on a machete.

   I just gave some moron a banana for his birthday.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary, its the stupid ones that need the advice..

   Some moron gave me a banana for my birthday

   Raise your hand if you are one of those people who have to publicly announce that they're in love...and with that hand, b*tch-slap yourself.

   I am going to come out with a personal credit card reader and call it the "As swipe"

   A girl who only gives hand jobs is most likely the same b*tch who gives out apples on Halloween