Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My truck is probably the most expensive bird toilet I own.

   A bill collector called me and I told them I had $17,208,857.23 in Mafia Wars but I'm having a problem transferring the funds to my checking.

   made a suggestion to Google Translate for "English to Ghetto".

   X says When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I hit puberty and found out I had a working "lightsaber" and didn't leave my bedroom for a year.

   Swagger: To conduct oneself in an arrogant or superciliously pompous manner <----Well said Sir Webster

   Hi, my name is shower and if you turn me on I will get you wet

   God then gave lean beef so that Man might eat healthy and still satisfy his appetite. But Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger, then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!" And Satan smiled.

   Remember: some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.

   I hate it when I'm at a fast food restaurant with friends and the dining room is empty...and the next couple that comes in has to sit at the table right next to you.

   When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I found out about boobs

   The year I was voted sexiest man alive by People Magazine was the greatest time in my life. Now? It just gets me beat up in bars

   She's not a slut, she's like Wi-Fi without password, everyone enjoys it.

   When someone is bringing more sorrow than happiness into your life, it's time to show them the exit door.

   Well if you have no intention of getting married, Reverend, it's not really Pre-Marital sex, is it?

   A "single serving" is as much as I decide to eat in one sitting and I dare you to tell me otherwise.

   A new book claims Sarah Palin had sex with NBA star Glen Rice. That's where she got the phrase, “Drill, Baby, Drill.”

   It's Facebook people. Don't put photos of sunsets or cartoons or pictures of you cat.......post a photo of YOU for cryin out loud as your profile (showing some cleavage isn't a bad thing either)

   It's kinda bullsh*t how humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.

   too bad Mr. Rogers isnt still alive to have facebook & do the games...then he really can be our neighbor

   I have a drinking problem and don't intend on doing a thing about it!